


Yet Another Star Wars Group Chat Fic

by TallNegotiations (RedSoleWrites)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, No Beta We Die Like Clones, Order 66 Never Happens, Yoda is a Troll, because i need more content, fs in the chat for the gimer stick, grievous has tuberculosis change my mind, i finally added my fav dex, i just want joy for everyone here, i will force it, is that too much to ask, it's bully sheev hours every hour, listen, minch, r2 reigns supreme, shaak is immortal convince me im wrong, we support depa billaba in this household, yet another chatfic, yoda is a cryptid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSoleWrites/pseuds/TallNegotiations
Summary: Another chatfic to add to the fandom, because we always need more of those.[Anakin Skywalker has created a new chat!][Anakin Skywalker has added Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Plo Koon, Padme Amidala, Luminara Unduli, Barriss Offee, Aayla Secura, Quinlan Vos, Depa Billaba, and Kit Fisto to the chat][Anakin Skywalker has named the chat super secret jedi chat]Mace Windu: Skywalker, what is this?Anakin Skywalker: a great ideaKit Fisto: chaos in progress
Comments: 174
Kudos: 723





	1. Anakin Has a Revelation

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Star Wars the Groupchat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24786202) by [Allise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allise/pseuds/Allise). 



> OB-2/Wan Fear: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed: Depa Billaba  
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil/Sexy Back: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure: Plo Koon  
> Luminous: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo

**[ _Anakin Skywalker_ has created a new chat!]**

**[ _Anakin Skywalker_ has added _Ahsoka Tano_ , _Obi-Wan Kenobi_ , _Mace Windu_ , _Plo Koon_ , _Padme Amidala_ , _Luminara Unduli_ , _Barriss Offee_ , _Aayla Secura_ , _Quinlan Vos_ , _Depa Billaba_ , and _Kit Fisto_ to the chat]**

**[ _Anakin Skywalker_ has named the chat _super secret jedi chat_ ]**

Mace Windu: Skywalker, what is this?

Anakin Skywalker: a great idea

Kit Fisto: chaos in progress

**[ _Obi-Wan Kenobi_ has changed their name to _OB-2_ ]**

OB-2: just accept it, mace

Ahsoka: whoa master Kenobi

Ahsoka: youre not going to try to stop him??

OB-2: i gave up on trying to stop him years ago

OB-2: its easier to just go with it

OB-2: you get less complaining too

**[ _Mace Windu_ has left _super secret jedi chat_ ]**

OB-2: or you could do that

**[ _Ahsoka Tano_ has changed their name to _Snip Snap_ ]**

Snip Snap: but really master whatre you doing

Anakin Skywalker: i made us a super secret jedi group chat

Anakin Skywalker: for jedi only

Anakin Skywalker: nobody else allowed

Anakin Skywalker: were exclusive

OB-2: oh really?

OB-2: _@Padme Amidala_

Padme Amidala: Ani

Padme Amidala: I’m reasonably certain that I don’t count as a Jedi

Anakin Skywalker: too bad

Kit Fisto: what happened to Jedi only?

Snip Snap: skyguy folds in the face of senator Amidala

Snip Snap: every time

Anakin Skywalker: i most certainly do not!!

OB-2: _oh really?_

Anakin Skywalker: fear

**[ _OB-2_ has sent (3) pictures to the chat]**

Snip Snap: HAH

Padme Amidala: I’m,, flattered??

Padme Amidala: Nevermind no I’m not

Padme Amidala: This is just sad

Snip Snap: im almost embarrassed for him

**[ _Depa Billaba_ has changed their name to _Council Queen_ ]**

Council Queen: the secondhand embarrassment is strong with this one

Anakin Skywalker: s t o p

Plo Koon: I’m impressed

Plo Koon: You brought those screenshots out very fast

Snip Snap: he has a collection

Snip Snap: I swear he just has blackmail folders on all of us

Luminara Unduli: Oh, he most definitely does.

Luminara Unduli: Organized by person, then subject, then date.

Quinlan Vos: Plus Obi won’t hesitate to drag his padawan

OB-2: you have no proof

Luminara Unduli: I grew up with you, of course I do.

Snip Snap: stories pls??

OB-2: NO

Quinlan Vos: I’ll help

**[ _Luminara Unduli_ is typing…]**

**[ _Quinlan Vos_ is typing…]**

**super secret jedi chat**

Luminara Unduli: and so that’s how Obi became an honorary nexu at age fifteen.

Anakin Skywalker: master,,

**[ _OB-2_ is offline]**

Council Queen: bitch

 **[ _OB-2_ is online**]

OB-2: i heard you were talking shit about me

Quinlan Vos: uh oh

Quinlan Vos: Depa you’d better run

**[ _Quinlan Vos_ has changed their name to _See No Evil, Speak No Evil_ ]**

Snip Snap: whats happening

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: just wait

Snip Snap:

Council Queen: he just TACKLED ME

OB-2: talk shit get hit

Padme Amidala: my motto

Anakin Skywalker: m a s t e r

Anakin Skywalker: i feel like ive entered another dimension

Kit Fisto: you’ve just never seen obi interact with the council outside of meetings before

Kit Fisto: really, this is pretty normal

Plo Koon: It’s quite entertaining

Anakin Skywalker: my whole worldview,,

Anakin Skywalker: out the window,,

Anakin Skywalker: padme help

Padme Amidala:

Anakin Skywalker: PADME

Snip Snap: skyguy

Kit Fisto: is he going to be alright?

Snip Snap: just give him a sec

Anakin Skywalker:

Anakin Skywalker: …

Snip Snap: okay maybe a few seconds

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Aayla Secura: I’m still unsure of why I’m in this chat

Aayla Secura: I don’t remember being made a master

Windu Vista: really it’s just to spite Skywalker

Aayla Secura: ah

**[ _Aayla Secura_ has changed their name to _Aay LMAO_ ]**

Sexy Back: that’s my padawan

Aay LMAO: ty master

Scared Kitless: she has been Initiated

Father Figure: Excellent job

Departed: you’ve done well with this one quinlan

Departed: unlike others i could mention

Wan Fear: listen,,,

Wan Fear:

Departed: im listening

Wan Fear: ive got nothing anakin is just Like That

Windu Vista: sometimes there’s nothing you can do

Wan Fear: hey,,

Wan Fear: nevermind youre right

Scared Kitless: i’m glad you finally realized this

Wan Fear: years,, wasted

Yoda: pointless, your efforts were

Wan Fear: wow thanks grandmaster

Wan Fear: really feeling the support

Sexy Back: hey while Yoda is still here

Sexy Back: I have a burning question

Sexy Back: Master Yoda, what is your last name??

Windu Vista: shit

Scared Kitless: he finally said it

Sexy Back: someone had to

Sexy Back: generations of Jedi over centuries have lived in confusion

Yoda: my last name, Yoda is

Wan Fear: well shit

Wan Fear: what do we do now

Yoda: a life unfulfilled, you will lead

Wan Fear: grandmaster

**[ _Yoda_ is offline]**

Scared Kitless: my whole life has been a lie

Sexy Back: I never thought I would get this far

Sexy Back: Mace, thoughts?

Windu Vista: I cannot believe

Windu Vista: …

Father Figure: If he still had hair, he’d be pulling it out now

Luminous:

Luminous: Well, he’s not wrong

Aay LMAO: is

Aay LMAO: what

Aay LMAO: no you know what im just accepting it and moving on

Father Figure: And this is why you’re allowed in and Skywalker is not

**Cool Kids Club**

Rexin It: so is anybody going to tell me why skywalker just came into my quarters

Rexin It: grabbed my shoulders

Rexin It: shook me and yelled

Rexin It: then left?

James: what?

Hard Knock Life: the general?

Sassy Lost Child: dw abt it

Rexin It: explain??

Sassy Lost Child: he made a gc

Sassy Lost Child: then immediately regretted it

5/10: how

5/10: and why wasnt i invited

Sassy Lost Child: its “jedi only”

Sassy Lost Child: even though he put senator Amidala in

Kix Your Ass: rude

Tip Tup: shh the commander is talking

Sassy Lost Child: thank you tup

Sassy Lost Child: this is y youre my favorite

Tip Tup: 😊

Sassy Lost Child: as i was saying

Sassy Lost Child: he wasn’t prepared for master Kenobi

Fives But Later: oh?

James: what did the General™ do?

James: yell at him?

Sassy Lost Child: no

Sassy Lost Child: better

Sassy Lost Child: he immediately gave up on stopping him, revealed that he has blackmail on literally everybody, had stories told abt master Kenobi’s chaotic childhood, then master Kenobi tackled master Billaba

Rexin It: im so confused

5/10: i can sympathize with the general now

5/10: that reaction makes sense

James: what even

Kix Your Ass: hold on

**[ _Kix Your Ass_ has added _Cody_ , _Waxer_ , _Boil_ , _Wooley_ , and _Longshot_ to _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Kix Your Ass: k so whats the tea on the General™

Boil: shit

**[ _Boil_ has kicked _Cody_ from _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Fives But Later: explain?

Boil: you dont wanna hear the commander start gushing abt the General™

Waxer: trust us

Wooley: he wont stop for hours

James: youre exaggerating

Longshot: no we’re really not

Longshot: I timed the last one

Longshot: it was 3 hours and 21 minutes

Longshot: 3 very painful hours

Boil: there have been several instances

Hard Knock Life: damn that sux

Waxer: youre telling us

Kix Your Ass: YOURE GETTING SIDETRACKED

Kix Your Ass: tea

Kix Your Ass: on the General™

Kix Your Ass: chaotic bastard rating??

Boil: easily 12/10

Boil: the man doesnt sleep

Boil: and the insomnia General™ is an experience

Waxer: a great one

Boil: oh definitely

Boil: but it takes some getting used to

Boil: why the sudden interest

Sassy Lost Child: skyguy just found out abt how crazy master Kenobi is in a very sudden way

Sassy Lost Child: he made a gc and it devolved v quickly

Longshot: yeah that would do it


	2. They're Getting With the Program

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> super secret jedi chat
> 
> Anakin Skywalker: ok  
> OB-2: THERE he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/New Mom!: Depa Billaba  
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil/Sexy Back/Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Oblivious: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In: Cody

**super secret jedi chat**

Anakin Skywalker: ok

OB-2: THERE he is

Snip Snap: change ur @ its boring

Anakin Skywalker: shut up infant

Anakin Skywalker: back to me

Snip Snap: fuixcking rude

Anakin Skywalker: youre all telling me

Anakin Skywalker: that my master

Anakin Skywalker: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Kit Fisto: pulling out the capitals

Anakin Skywalker: the Perfect Jedi™

OB-2: why do all my titles have a ™ after them

Council Queen: who calls him that

Anakin Skywalker: literally everybody moving on

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: hmm doubt

Anakin Skywalker: is actually a massive mess of a man who just does what the fuck ever

Anakin Skywalker: why did he hide it from me for so long

OB-2: well for starters i wasnt really trying to hide it

OB-2: but yeah i guess

Plo Koon: He’s very stressed all the time

Plo Koon: We all are

Plo Koon: That is just how he copes

Anakin Skywalker: hmmm

Padme Amidala: Alright I’m taking matters into my own hands

**[ _Padme Amidala_ has changed _Anakin Skywalker_ ’s name to _Oblivious_ ]**

**[ _Padme Amidala_ has changed their name to _Senate Queen_ ]**

Oblivious: hey

Council Queen: nice

Council Queen: a fellow monarch

Snip Snap: @Barriss Offee

Snip Snap: y are u lurking

Snip Snap: come out

Snip Snap: i know youre here

Snip Snap: your status says online

Barriss Offee: shit my cover’s blown

Luminara Unduli: Your cover never existed in the first place, Padawan.

Luminara Unduli: Let me show you how to change your status.

Aayla Secura: oof

Aayla Secura: there they go

OB-2: onto more prevalent matters

OB-2: seriously why do all my titles have a ™ after them

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Scared Kitless: anybody ever wonder about why the rest of the council isn’t in here?

Wan Fear: its because theyre old and dont know how to work this stuff

Sexy Back: then explain Yoda????

Yoda: hip and with it, i am

Sexy Back: alright then

Aay LMAO: a sentence I never thought I’d read

Aay LMAO: let alone from Master Yoda

Scared Kitless: sometimes it just be like that

Aay LMAO: master fisto

Wan Fear: this is normal yoda behavior

Wan Fear: i promise

Wan Fear: after years of experience i count myself as a foremost expert

Departed: you know sometimes i forget that youre related to him

Wan Fear: me too

Wan Fear: its an ongoing struggle

Windu Vista: putting aside that horrifying mental image

Sexy Back: mace whyd you make me think of that

Scared Kitless: yo do you think yoda fucks

Luminous: dear Force why

Luminous: I

Luminous: I hate that

Father Figure: _everyone disliked that_

**[ _Father Figure_ has kicked _Scared Kitless_ from _Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)_ ]**

Father Figure: it was the Will of the Force

Wan Fear: plo is my favorite

Sexy Back: _hey_

Wan Fear: shut up

Wan Fear: do i have to remind you of the time on glee anselm

Sexy Back: fair

Aay LMAO: please share dear Master Kenobi

Wan Fear: hmmmm

Wan Fear: i think i shall refrain

Wan Fear: i need to keep my blackmail material well stocked

Luminous: Obi-Wan, you have much more blackmail than that and we both know it.

Wan Fear: i know

Wan Fear: but it pays to be prepared

Sexy Back: i am very scared

Departed: as you should be

Windu Vista: Luminara and Obi-Wan together is a scary thought

Departed: they start agreeing and we start fleeing

Father Figure: Nice rhyme

Sexy Back: so that’s how you spell it

Wan Fear: what, rhyme?

Sexy Back: yeah

Sexy Back: I hate that word

Sexy Back: and your somehow perfect spelling

Sexy Back: despite not using autocorrect

Wan Fear: listen,, quinlan

Wan Fear: autocorrect fucking sucks

Wan Fear: it insists that very real words are fake

Wan Fear: and when i need to text in other languages it just impedes my speed

Wan Fear: plus who has time to go to all the effort for correct punctuation

Luminous: I resemble that remark.

Wan Fear: i have too much to do to worry about that shit

Wan Fear: but spelling? thats got to be impeccable

Wan Fear: or diplomatic incidents could occur

Sexy Back: speaking from experience?

Wan Fear: y e s

**[several people are typing…]**

**Direct Message to _Father Figure_**

Scared Kitless: listen when can I come back

_read at 5:34 pm_

Scared Kitless: fuck

**Padawan Appreciation Club**

**[ _Tired Father_ has added _Depa Billaba_ to _Padawan Appreciation Club_ ]**

Tired Father: welcome, depa, to the padawan appreciation club

Tired Father: because we love our children

**[ _Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time_ has changed _Depa Billaba_ ’s name to _New Mom!_ ]**

New Mom!: ok obi why tf are u here

New Mom!: nobody appreciates Anakin

Tired Father: i know

Tired Father: i love him so very much but

Tired Father: he is a disaster bi minus the bi part

Tired Father: im here because i also coparent ahsoka

Everyone’s Dad: We’re all very proud of her

Distinguished Mother: and Barriss.

Everyone’s Dad: and Barriss

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: anyways Depa tell us about the new child

New Mom!: HIS NAME IS CALEB DUME AND I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH

New Mom!: IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO HIM I WOULD KILL EVERYONE IN THIS CHAT AND THEN MYSELF

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: mood

Tired Father: mood

Everyone’s Dad: mood

Distinguished Mother: Mood.

Tired Father: now is your time to go off about him

Tired Father: and also get parenting advice from those of us with experience

New Mom!: THANK YOU

**[ _New Mom!_ is typing…]**

**Cool Kids Club**

Kix Your Ass: alright motherfuckers

Kix Your Ass: battle is over

Kix Your Ass: and i know that at least one (1) of you nerfherders is injured

Kix Your Ass: i will sedate you all if said injured vod does not show up in my med bay within the next five (5) minutes

Kix Your Ass: your time starts now

Rexin It: fuck

5/10: fuck

Fives But Later: fuck

James: fuck

Hard Knock Life: fcuk

Tip Tup: fuck

Kix Your Ass: for extra effect

**[ _Kix Your Ass_ has added _Dogma_ to _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Rexin It: f u c k

Kix Your Ass: dogma, vod, which brothers got hurt?

Dogma: Hardcase and Jesse, sir.

Kix Your Ass: thank you

James: _fuck_

Kix Your Ass: GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE UTREEKOVE

James: dogma you snitch

5/10: well say your remembrances vod

Fives But Later: but you don’t cross the medics

Dogma: Exactly. It pays to be on the good side of the medics.

Rexin It: truer words have never been spoken

Sassy Lost Child: wisdom

Dogma: Hey, what is this chat? Cool Kids Club? Why was I only just added?

5/10: uuhhhh

5/10: fuclk

**[ _5/10_ has kicked _Dogma_ from _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Fives But Later: w o w

Fives But Later: smooth

5/10: listen

5/10: i panicked

James: valid

Hard Knock Life: makes sense

Tip Tup: so uhh 212 boys

Tip Tup: do you mind sharing more on what’s up with Cody?

Steamed Tubers: oh

Shaved Legs: we will

Knitted Mittens: gladly

Far Gun: get ready for the ride of a lifetime

Sassy Lost Child: im strapped in

Rexin It: im so ready for gossip about cody

Rexin It: its my second favorite hobby

James: whats first

Rexin It: bullying fox

5/10: valid

Steamed Tubers: anyways

Shaved Legs: our dearly beloved commander

Knitted Mittens: an inspiration to us all

Far Gun: truly a legend of a man

Steamed Tubers: has a big fat gay crush

Shaved Legs: MASSIVE

Knitted Mittens: bigger than grievous’s collection of lightsabers

Far Gun: clanker bitch

Steamed Tubers: thank you vod

Shaved Legs: on our esteemed leader

Knitted Mittens: the General™

Far Gun: another Iconic Man™

Rexin It: words cannot describe the magnitude of the gift you have just given me

Rexin It: my decant day has come early

Rexin It: lifeday has arrived

Rexin It: now if youll excuse me gentlemen

Rexin It: i must go

**Direct Message to _I’m In_**

Rexin It: GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration is still rolling so I'm not going to question this blessing and just go with it.
> 
> Progress is being made, and my playlist is going. Let's fucking do this.
> 
> Also yes I firmly believe that Obi-Wan would have perfect spelling and be vocally anti-autocorrect.  
> Prove me wrong.


	3. God Has Entered the Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool Kids Club
> 
> [R2-D2 has been added to Cool Kids Club]
> 
> James: h o w  
> Hard Knock Life: bc hes a cool kid obviously

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/New Mom!/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil/Sexy Back/Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Oblivious/Spaceman: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda

**Cool Kids Club**

**[ _R2-D2_ has been added to _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

James: h o w

Hard Knock Life: bc hes a cool kid obviously

James: u right u right

Sassy Lost Child: R2-D2 a god confirmed?

**[ _R2-D2_ has changed their name to _God_ ]**

Rexin It: uh

Kix Your Ass: alright then

5/10: i for one am glad to be a devoted follower of this new god

James: who did this

James: w h o d i d t h i s

Sassy Lost Child: he did it himself

Sassy Lost Child: artoo is god

Hard Knock Life: is he gonna say something?

Fives But Later: _@God_??

5/10: he watches

Sassy Lost Child: wait wait wait wait wait

**[ _Sassy Lost Child_ has added _Spaceman_ to _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Spaceman: hello??

Sassy Lost Child: hey skyguy watch this

Sassy Lost Child: _@God_

5/10: _@God_

James: _@God_

Fives But Later: _@God_

Tip Tup: _@God_

Rexin It: _@God_

Kix Your Ass: _@God_

Hard Knock Life: _@God_

Spaceman: what

Steamed Tubers: _@God_

Shaved Legs: _@God_

Knitted Mittens: _@God_

Far Gun: _@God_

Spaceman: w h a t

God: Į̵̧̨̝͔͔̗͚͉̘̩̤͓̹̘̭̺͓̤̭̣̯̱͇͐̂͒̍̅̀̏̉̌̏̒͒̌͛̇̅̉̚͘͜ͅͅ ̴̧͍̘̳̠̦̹̥͔͓̬̺̫͈̺͙̫̻̆̓̄̍͐̎̍͆̓̃͘͘̕Ȃ̷̡̢͇̗̺̰̺͙̤̙̯̲̻̣̹̃͆̀͂̓̒̓̋͑̎̄̏̃̏̇̓̽̆͌̓͘͘͜͝͠͠͝ͅͅM̴̧̢̨̛̱̳̰͍͕͚͓̥̪͚̟̲̼͚̈́͌͑̐̾͑͒̉͌̓͛̈́͋̄̇̾̔̓̊̌̂̈́̈́̔̔͌̏̈́̕͘͠ͅ ̸̹̘̠͕̬̟͙͉̮̂̌͐̂̇͋̀̍̈́̌̂͐͛͐͂̏̌̄̏̽̓̒̇͘̚͝͠͝͝ͅH̶̨̤͉͍̬̝͍̖̩̙͕̬̟͎̤̮̙̖͓̖̠̩̱͈̮̲̫̜̅̐̃̊̆́̐͂̾͑̎̈́͆̌͐̄̆̔͘͜͜͝ͅͅĘ̶̢̛̮̟̝̠̮͇̝̫̻̙͓̗̭̜̭͎̥̩̣̪͇̙̊͌̽̒̉̈̃ͅR̴̨̗̼͚͍̺̟̺̳̞͙͔̪͈͉̮̼͈͇̉̚̚͝E̴̢͚͈̬̬͖̼̹̼̮͖͙̗̫̫̗̲͉̫͙͍͗́̎͗͒̽̓̿̈́̽̾̈̈́̽͆̍̍̎̓͆̿̚͝

Spaceman: W H A T

**[ _God_ has kicked _Spaceman_ from _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

Sassy Lost Child: praise be!

5/10: praise be!

James: praise be!

Fives But Later: praise be!

Tip Tup: praise be!

Rexin It: praise be!

Kix Your Ass: praise be!

Hard Knock Life: praise be!

Steamed Tubers: praise be!

Shaved Legs: praise be!

Knitted Mittens: praise be!

Far Gun: praise be!

**super secret jedi chat**

Oblivious: i think i just met a deity?

OB-2: context?

Oblivious: i have none?

Oblivious: snips what the fuck

**[ _Snip Snap_ is offline]**

Oblivious: help

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: no

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: there is none

**Direct Message to _Turn Off-ee_**

Snip Snap: listen do me a solid ok

Snip Snap: can you just say ‘praise be!’ in the chat

Turn Off-ee: ok I guess

**super secret jedi chat**

Barriss Offee: praise be!

Oblivious: AAAAAAHHHH THEYRE BACK

OB-2: ?????

Kit Fisto: ??

Luminara Unduli: What is wrong, Knight Skywalker?

Oblivious: padme light of my life my angel my one true love please help me

**Direct Message to _Senate Queen_**

Snip Snap: senator

Snip Snap: please

Snip Snap: if you put ‘praise be!’ in the chat

Snip Snap: i will buy you those alderaanian chocolates you like

**super secret jedi chat**

Senate Queen: praise be!

Oblivious: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHAHHHHH!

**Direct Message to _Snip Snap_**

Senate Queen: I expect my chocolates within three business days.

Snip Snap: done

**Cool Kids Chat**

**[ _Sassy Lost Child_ has sent (4) pictures to the chat]**

Sassy Lost Child: mission success!

**[ _God_ liked a message]**

Sassy Lost Child: i have god’s approval all is well

Sassy Lost Child: my skin is clear my crops are watered my weave is snatched

Rexin It: commander you dont have hair

Sassy Lost Child: your point?

Rexin It: …

Rexin It: ive got nothing have fun kid

Sassy Lost Child: thank you

**Padawan Appreciation Club**

Tired Father: alright i dont know what happened but i just know that im proud of ahsoka

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: damn that’s a mood

Distinguished Mom: Barriss joined in this is positive progress!

Distinguished Mom: She has a friend!

Everyone’s Dad: It’s wonderful to see her opening up

Aggressive Mom: we’re all v proud of all of them

Aggressive Mom: lumi its your turn to go off

Tired Father: express your affection for your padawan!!

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: im ready!!

**[ _Distinguished Mom_ is typing…]**

**super secret jedi chat**

OB-2: FUCK

Oblivious: what

OB-2: i just realized we’re missing one of the best people in this chat

Oblivious: oh really?

OB-2: hold on

**[ _OB-2_ has added _Shaak Ti_ to _super secret jedi chat_ ]**

Snip Snap: yooooooo

Shaak Ti: yooooooo

Snip Snap: mother is that you

Shaak Ti: my child I am here

Snip Snap: I have both parents here

Snip Snap: wild

Shaak Ti: hmm

Plo Koon: hmmm

**[ _Shaak Ti_ has changed their name to _Ahsoka’s Mom_ ]**

**[ _Plo Koon_ has changed their name to _Ahsoka’s Dad_ ]**

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: and thus the custody war begins

OB-2: ahsoka, prepare to be spoiled beyond belief

Snip Snap: im fine with this

Barriss Offee: Master Ti

Barriss Offee: we have a question for you

Snip Snap: we do?

Barriss Offee: yes we do

Barriss Offee: is it true that General Grievous has a thing for you?

Snip Snap: clanker bitch

Snip Snap: he doesnt deserve you mom

Council Queen: i just spit out my drink

OB-2: alcoholic?

Council Queen: no bitch

Council Queen: ive got a young impressionable padawan

Council Queen: we cant all be alcoholics like you

OB-2: hmm

Ahsoka’s Mom: hmm

Barriss Offee: please Master Ti

Barriss Offee: all the padawans are wondering

Snip Snap: there are bets

Ahsoka’s Mom: I get a cut of the winnings

Snip Snap: obvi

Snip Snap: thats standard procedure

Snip Snap: now the deets

Ahsoka’s Mom: well

**[ _Ahsoka’s Mom_ is typing…]**

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Wan Fear: i feel like were forgetting something

Windu Vista: hmm, I wonder what

Shaak-ing: it’s on the tip of my tongue

Father Figure: shit I remembered

**[ _Father Figure_ had added _Scared Kitless_ to _Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)_ ]**

Scared Kitless: i have been out of the chat

Scared Kitless: for THREEE DAYS

Father Figure: sorry Kit

Wan Fear: oof

Aay LMAO: sorry master Fisto

Scared Kitless: im not talking to any of you!

Wan Fear:

Father Figure:

Windu Vista:

Sexy Back:

Shaak-ing: um, Kit

Shaak-ing: we can still see you here

Wan Fear: are you not talking to us because we didnt talk to you?

Wan Fear: that seems counterintuitive

Scared Kitless:

Scared Kitless: shut up!!!1!

Windu Vista: Assembled Masters, I present to you, the esteemed Master Fisto.

Yoda: sad, this is

Sexy Back: MASTER YODA

Sexy Back: WHY IS YOUR GRAMMAR STILL FUCKED UP IN THE CHAT

Sexy Back: YOU HAVE SPELL-CHECK

Wan Fear: anakin even made specific software just to translate yoda-isms

Sexy Back: SEEE

Sexy Back: FIX THAT SHIT

Yoda: think i will not, i do

Sexy Back: AAAAAAAAAA

Sexy Back: at least tell us your name????

Yoda:

Father Figure: I’m calling in the big guns

**[ _Father Figure_ has added _Fay_ to _Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)_ ]**

Windu Vista: holy shit

Windu Vista: how do you have her comm code?

Father Figure: I have my ways

Shaak-ing: he means he’s old

Father Figure: shhh

Wan Fear: the custody battle is transferring over

Aay LMAO: wait who is this

Departed: that, young knight, is Master Fay

Departed: older than yoda

Departed: and possibly the only person who can provide an answer to our question

Aay LMAO: wait shes real??????

Fay: I assure you, child, that I am quite real.

Sexy Back: holy shit

Wan Fear: master fay

Fay: Yes.

Wan Fear: what is yoda’s first name

Fay: Minch.

Sexy Back: _Minch_

Fay: But I have always called him Buffy.

Windu Vista: _Buffy_

Wan Fear: holy shit

Yoda:

Fay: Buffy!

**[ _Yoda_ has kicked _Fay_ from _Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)_ ]**

Shaak-ing: don’t be like that, buffy

**[ _Windu Vista_ has changed _Yoda_ ’s name to _Buffy_ ]**

Wan Fear: and thus the blackmail folder on my great grandmaster increases in size

Wan Fear: plo im going to need that comm code

Father Figure: consider it done

Luminous: What did I miss?

Luminous: I was on a mission.

Departed: where do i start?

Wan Fear: scroll up

Luminous:

Luminous: HOLY SHIT!

Sexy Back: that’s what we said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoda's names? They may not be canon, but they were there in the development of his character. Yes, he was called Buffy at one point. No, I'm not over it.
> 
> I have no self-control so I just posted everything I had all at once.  
> This is the end of my rapid writing for today, but fret not! I'm still going. This is too fun to stop.


	4. Interrogation Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> super secret jedi chat
> 
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil: hmmm  
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil: I need a change
> 
> [See No Evil, Speak No Evil has changed their name to Quinland Mine]
> 
> Quinland Mine: better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/New Mom!/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> See No Evil, Speak No Evil/Sexy Back/Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Oblivious/Spaceman/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Bacon Man: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo

**super secret jedi chat**

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: hmmm

See No Evil, Speak No Evil: I need a change

**[ _See No Evil, Speak No Evil_ has changed their name to _Quinland Mine_ ]**

Quinland Mine: better

Kit Fisto: explain??

Quinland Mine: because I’m a land mine of trauma

Aayla Secura: mood

Oblivious: aren’t we all

OB-2: indeed

Ahsoka’s Dad: Should I be worried?

OB-2: oh yeah absolutely

Oblivious: very

Oblivious: moving on

**[ _Oblivious_ has changed their name to _Sky High Guy_ ]**

OB-2: in what way

Sky High Guy: what

OB-2: in what way are you high

Sky High Guy: m a s t e r

OB-2: weve already established that im just like this

OB-2: answer the goddamn question

Sky High Guy:

OB-2: ive been seeing a lot of questionable actions from you

OB-2: like what was with that intense declaration of love of padme

OB-2: yes she is fantastic

OB-2: but that was a bit excessive for just friends

Sky High Guy: uhhhh

Snip Snap: youre cover’s blown master

Sky High Guy: fcuk

Council Queen: did it ever exist in the first place?

Sky High Guy: whayt?? cOver???

Ahsoka’s Mom: Obi your son is terrible at lying

OB-2: i know

OB-2: i worked for so long on it

OB -2: hes hopeless

Sky High Guy:

OB-2: anakin we can still see you here

Kit Fisto: honestly we been knew

Sky High Guy: knew?? What??12?

Quinland Mine: skywalker. You ain’t slick

Senate Queen: The gig’s up Ani.

Senate Queen: How long have you all known?

Luminara Unduli: A year.

Barriss Offee: the same

Quinland Mine: months

Kit Fisto: nine months

Ahsoka’s Dad: the whole time

Ahsoka’s Mom: the whole time

Snip Snap: since i first met senator Amidala

Council Queen: 3 months

Aayla Secura: i think you forget, skywalker

OB-2: that aayla and i knew you while you grew up

Aayla Secura: i listened to the crush rants when you were 13

OB-2: i was there when you first met her

OB-2: why do you think i put you on her protection detail?

Senate Queen: That was you?

Sky High Guy: tHat was yUou????

**[several people are typing…]**

**Padawan Appreciation Club**

Distinguished Mom: Quinlan, this is an intervention.

Everyone’s Dad: You’ve been here too long

Tired Father: your child has grown up

Aggressive Mom: you no longer have a padawan

Distinguished Mom: You need to let her go.

Tired Father: and LEAVE the CHAT

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: NO

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: OBI’S STILL HERE

Tired Father: im here for ahsoka weve established that

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: WHAT ABOUT PLO

Aggressive Mom: every padawan is also plo’s padawan

Aggressive Mom: your argument is invalid

Tired Father: your child is old now

Tired Father: she was allowed into the masters groupchat

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: THAT MEANS NOTHING

Distinguished Mom: She has a boyfriend.

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: W H A T

Aggressive Mom: uh oh

Tired Father: lumi run

Distinguished Mom: I think I shall.

**[ _Distinguished Mom_ is offline]**

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: WHO ELSE KNEW ABOUT THIS

Everyone’s Dad: Everyone

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: W H O

Tired Father: bly

Aggressive Mom: bly

Everyone’s Dad: Bly

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: HER C O M M A N D E R????

Tired Father: yep

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: AAIHGLELRHSRSGSHLAHJSAA

Everyone’s Dad: Breathe Quinlan

Aggressive Mom: is he having an aneurism

Tired Father: do i need to call bant

Aggressive Mom: listen quinlan

Aggressive Mom: aayla is a sexually liberated woman

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: SHE’S BEEN HAVING SEX??????

Tired Father: youre making it worse depa

Aggressive Mom: i bow to your superior skills, Mr. Negotiator™

Tired Father: well be having words about this later

Tired Father: quinlan

Tired Father: your padawan is grown up

Tired Father: shes well into her knighthood

Tired Father: you cant be there to protect her all the time

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: I KNOW THAT

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: SHES ON THE FRONT LINES OF A GALACTIC WAR

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: AND IM DOING STEALTH MISSIONS

Tired Father: so how is this situation any different?

Tired Father: if you trust her to handle herself as a competent general in this war

Tired Father: trust her with the significantly lighter responsibility of her own relationships

Tired Father: alright?

Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time: ok

**[ _Refuses to Accept the Passage of Time_ has left _Padawan Appreciation Club_ ]**

Aggressive Mom: you know hes on his way over to threaten bly

Tired Father: oh yes definitely

Tired Father: but hes not actually going to commit homicide

Tired Father: and thats what matters

**Direct Message to _Commander Bly_**

Quinland Mine: Listen here, Commander

Quinland Mine: If I find out that you have so much as laid a hand on my precious Padawan without her explicit consent

Quinland Mine: Well, you’ll see why the Council saw fit to have me infiltrate the Sith

Quinland Mine: And how I was just so successful at that

**[ _Quinland Mine_ is offline]**

Commander Bly: well im fucked

**Commanders, Inc.**

Butter-bly: vode say my remembrances

Dog Man: explain.

Butter-bly: General Vos found out about Aayla and me

Lake: that’s an oof vod

I’m In: prayer circle for bly

I’m In: kot

Laundromat: kot

Verd’ika: kot

Lake: kot

Dog Man: kot

Fox 4 Chancellor: kot

Bacon Man: kot

Alpha Male: kot

Neon: kot

Butter-bly: thank you your prayers are much appreciated

Verd’ika: hey who changed my fucking name

I’m In: I take full credit

I’m In: no regret

I’m In: this is revenge

Verd’ika: prepare for retaliation bitch

I’m In: ooh I’m so scared

I’m In: the infant wants to throw hands

Laundromat: lol

Lake: copaani mirshmure’cye, vod?

Lake: bc that’s what youre gonna get

Fox 4 Chancellor: Who is that addressed to?

Bacon Man: both of them

Bacon Man: it doesn’t matter

Neon: I’m taking bets

Neon: The book is open

Laundromat: a bottle of gal on the small one

Laundromat: hes vicious bc hes smaller

Butter-bly: but that’s why codyll win

Butter-bly: we grew up with wolffe

Butter-bly: itll have no effect

Dog Man: nobody can live up to my standards.

Verd’ika: oh im certainly gonna TRY

I’m In: bring it bitch

Lake: 15 creds on cody

Verd’ika: bitch

Lake: try me di’kut

Verd’ika: i hate all of you

Dog Man: then whyd you join.

Verd’ika: i didn’t

Verd’ika: i was just added

Verd’ika: by cody mind you

I’m In: I have no regrets

Alpha Male: Alright.

Alpha Male: Outside the Coruscant Guard Barracks.

Alpha Male: In 2 days.

Alpha Male: I will be there.

Alpha Male: If you don’t show up you’re officially a bitch baby.

I’m In: <\-- 

Verd’ika: oh fuck you

Verd’ika: see you soon you son of a bitch

Bacon Man: idiot we don’t have moms

Butter-bly: what is a mom like?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having lots of fun with this, it's a great time. But damn, my beginning notes are really fucking long.
> 
> Let me know if the pacing is weird, though! 
> 
> I love you all!!


	5. Fox and Obi-Wan are both Hot Thank You For Coming to My TED Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commanders, Inc.
> 
> [Alpha Male has sent a video to the chat!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Spaceman/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Bacon Man: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress

**Commanders, Inc.**

**[ _Alpha Male_ has sent a video to the chat!]**

Fox 4 Chancellor: I cannot believe

Lake: iconic

Bacon Man: tag urself im rex banging his head on the door

Neon: I’m Cody’s deadpan expression

Dog Man: ive raised him well.

I’m In: you raised nothing bitch

I’m In: that was all me

Dog Man: hmm

Butter-bly: so how hard was it to just sling rex over your shoulder and carry him out?

Butter-bly: did he even weigh anything to you??

I’m In: no. it was like holding a couple of grapes

Lake: iconic

Verd’ika: bitch

Verd’ika: i hate you

I’m In: no you don’t

Fox 4 Chancellor: This was a productive use of our time.

Butter-bly: it really was, wasn’t it

Neon: Monnk.

Laundromat: i kno

Laundromat: a bottle of gal

Laundromat: and it was quality moonshine too

Laundromat: ☹

Bacon Man: actual baby monnk confirmed??

I’m In: We Been Knew

Butter-bly: so rex

Butter-bly: what did it feel like to be carried by the marshal commander himself??

I’m In: (not like I carry him in all our joint battles already)

Verd’ika: (shut up no u don’t)

Verd’ika: gotta say

Verd’ika: i kinda get why the ppl on the holonet have been thirsting after him

Laundromat: explain????

Verd’ika: it felt safe

Lake: im

Lake: i just

Lake: what

Neon: Were you unaware of the civilians on the Holonet?

Lake: i mean i know they exist

Butter-bly: did you not realize that theyve been thirsting over the vode???

Lake: no????

Bacon Man: ponds

Dog Man: ponds.

Dog Man: there are polls.

Dog Man: they fight over who’s the hottest.

Lake: im almost afraid to ask

Lake: but who’s winning?

Alpha Male: Fox.

Lake: ???????????

Fox 4 Chancellor: not this again

Laundromat: even i know about the appreciation posts for fox’s tiddies

Lake: ?????????????

I’m In: yeah that’s a thing

I’m In: it’s very popular

I’m In: when we say he’s winning

I’m In: we mean by a lot

Lake: im living in fear

**super secret jedi chat**

OB-2: vroom vroom

Quinland Mine: not again

Senate Queen: What’s happening?

Quinland Mine: he got a motorcycle again

Quinland Mine: this never ends well

OB-2: what do you mean

OB-2: this always ends well

Ahsoka’s Dad: OBI-WAN KENOBI YOU’D BETTER NOT BE TEXTING AND DRIVING

OB-2: oh shit

OB-2: PLO I PROMISE IM NOT

Snip Snap: damn master Plo is angry

Kit Fisto: Plo doesn’t fuck around when it comes to safety

Ahsoka’s Dad: ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HELMET

OB-2: YES PLO I PROMISE

Ahsoka’s Dad: WHAT ABOUT YOUR SEATBELT

OB-2: PLO ITS A MOTORCYCLE THEY DONT HAVE SEATBELTS

Ahsoka’s Dad: So sorry, I forgot

Ahsoka’s Dad: DO YOU HAVE YOUR LICENSE ON YOU

OB-2: YES PLO IM ALL READY IVE DONE THIS BEFORE ILL BE FINE

Ahsoka’s Dad: hmm

Sky High Guy: master I didn’t know you rode motorcycles

Sky High Guy: I thought you hated driving

OB-2: anakin

OB-2: i dont hate driving

OB-2: i just hate your driving

Snip Snap: shots fired in coruscant

Quinland Mine: plus he thinks it makes him look hot

OB-2: well am i wrong

Quinland Mine:

Quinland Mine: no you’re not

OB-2: thats what i thought

Quinland Mine: why are you like this

**Cool Kids Club**

**[ _Sassy Lost Child_ sent (2) pictures to the chat!]**

Sassy Lost Child: so apparently master Kenobi rides motorcycles

Sassy Lost Child: he let me ride with him to dex’s

Rexin It: im surprised he had a togruta shaped helmet for you

Sassy Lost Child: honestly same

5/10: wait damn the General™ really fuickign posed like that??

5/10: holy shit

James: the l e a n

James: im gay

Hard Knock Life: arent we all

Sassy Lost Child: as yet another gay I am disgusted

Sassy Lost Child: that’s my grandmaster!!! ewww!!!

5/10: sorry commander

James: sorry commander

Hard Knock Life: sorry commander

Tip Tup: commander can you ask him where he got that leather jacket??

Sassy Lost Child: tup you are the only valid one here

Sassy Lost Child: and yes i will ask

Sassy Lost Child: anything for my favorite son

Tip Tup: 😊

Steamed Tubers: now comes the question

Shaved Legs: do we send this on to the commander

Knitted Mittens: and watch him gush

Far Gun: or leave it here and hold it over his head

Rexin It: Vote Now!! In the Comments Section Below!!

Fives But Later: what??

**[ _Darth Sidious_ has created a new chat!]**

**[ _Darth Sidious_ has added _Darth Tyrannus_ , _Asajj Ventress_ , _General Grievous_ , _Maul_ , _Savage Oppress_ , _Nute Gunray_ , and _Wat Tambor_ to the chat]**

**[ _Darth Sidious_ has named the chat _The Separatists_ ]**

Darth Sidious: Welcome, my fellow Separatists!

Darth Sidious: Here we can more easily communicate with one another to ensure the success of our most noble plans.

**[ _Asajj Ventress_ has kicked _Nute Gunray_ and _Wat Tambor_ from _The Separatists_ ]**

Darth Sidious: what

Asajj Ventress: theyre annoying and whiny

Asajj Ventress: nobody likes them

**[ _Darth Tyrannus_ has changed their name to _Count Dooku_ ]**

Count Dooku: Excellent job, my young apprentice

Darth Sidious: waht

Maul: I object to being called a separatist

Maul: I don’t care about the politics

**[ _Darth Sidious_ has named the chat _The Sith_ ]**

Darth Sidious: is

Darth Sidious: that

Darth Sidious: better

Count Dooku: You don’t need to send each word as a separate message to get a sinister and slow tone across, Master.

General Grievous: im not a sith

General Grievous: i cannot use the force

General Grievous: this is exclusionary and i hate it

Darth Sidious: for the love of the Force

**[ _Darth Sidious_ has named the chat _The Non-Jedi Lightsaber-Wielding Collective_ ]**

Darth Sidious: holy fuck is that better yet?????

Savage Oppress: um

Darth Sidious: W H A T

Savage Oppress: ive never actually wielded a lightsaber

Savage Oppress: i just have my cool spear thing

Asajj Ventress: it is very cool

Savage Oppress: thank you

Darth Sidious: AAAAAARRRGBUHESHGOA

**[ _Darth Sidious_ is offline]**

Asajj Ventress: and thus the moldy oldy is gone

Count Dooku: The what now?

**[ _Asajj Ventress_ has changed their name to _Sith Queen_ ]**

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _Darth Sidious_ ’s name to _Sheev Palpitations_ ]**

Maul: So we all know who he actually is then?

Sith Queen: its so fucking obvious

Savage Oppress: i dont know how they havent realized yet

Count Dooku: I expected better of my grandpadawan.

Sith Queen: grandpadawan???

Savage Oppress: whomst

Count Dooku: Master Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Savage Oppress: oh no

Maul: KENOBIIIIII

Savage Oppress: look what you did

General Grievous: KENOBIIIIII

Maul: wait

General Grievous: wait

Sith Queen: whats happening

Maul: What right do you have to refer to my arch-nemesis like that

General Grievous: your arch nemesis???

General Grievous: i think that my epic battles against him are worthy of the title

Maul: I killed his master

Count Dooku: That was you?

Maul: Yes and I’m very proud of that

Count Dooku: That was my former padawan.

Sith Queen: awkward

Maul: moving on

Maul: He sliced me in half

Maul: Our rivalry is one for the ages

Maul: Meanwhile you lost to a thirteen year old

General Grievous: she was fourteen!

Sith Queen: not helping

General Grievous: and she is very talented and mean

Sith Queen: didnt she call you an overgrown half-melted clanker with tuberculosis?

General Grievous: yes and it was very hurtful

General Grievous: and dont say the c-word its racist against droids

Sith Queen: sheesh okay

Count Dooku: Maul, we’ll be having a _conversation_ later.

Savage Oppress: oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every day I stray further from God. However, good news! I have a rough and very vague idea of a plot now! So progress on that front! 
> 
> Also I never expected to make myself a Depa fan, nor did I think that I'd make Monnk and Savage Oppress into Baby.


	6. Sudden Angst BUT Dooku is a Boomer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Padawan Appreciation Club
> 
> [Aggressive Mom has sent (3) pictures to the chat!]
> 
> Aggressive Mom: LOOK AT MY SON  
> Aggressive Mom: PRIDE IS NOT THE WORD IM LOOKING FOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/Sassy Lost Child: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Spaceman/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Bacon Man: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku

**Padawan Appreciation Club**

**[ _Aggressive Mom_ has sent (3) pictures to the chat!]**

Aggressive Mom: LOOK AT MY SON

Aggressive Mom: PRIDE IS NOT THE WORD IM LOOKING FOR

Tired Father: gasp

Tired Father: a child

Everyone’s Dad: Truly a wonderful padawan, Depa

Aggressive Mom: THANK YOU PLO YOUR APPROVAL MEANS SO MUCH

Distinguished Mom: I’m not entirely sure about that, Depa.

Distinguished Mom: Plo thinks that every child he comes across is wonderful.

Everyone’s Dad: Am I wrong?

Tired Father: hmm

Aggressive Mom: MY SON IS THE BEST SON

Aggressive Mom: HES SO SMART AND HE TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE ME PROUD ITS ADORABLE

Aggressive Mom: EVERYTHING HE DOES MAKES ME PROUD BUT STILL

Tired Father: tell him that

Tired Father: make absolutely sure that he knows that you love him implicitly for himself and that he doesnt have to go out of his way to make you proud because you already are

Aggressive Mom: i feel like this has gone an entirely different direction than i intended

Tired Father: sorry about that

Aggressive Mom: i mean youre not wrong obi

Tired Father: i know

Tired Father: i just

Tired Father: ugh

Distinguished Mom: Are you alright, Obi?

Tired Father: yeah i just

Tired Father: i just know that my own apprenticeship wasnt the best

Tired Father: and sometimes im not entirely sure if it was due to a lack of communication or some shortcoming on my part

Tired Father: and i just want to make sure that caleb has a positive and healthy relationship with you

Tired Father: you know?

Aggressive Mom: yeah obi

Aggressive Mom: i got it

**[ _Tired Father_ is offline]**

Distinguished Mom: Well, now I’m worried.

Everyone’s Dad: Have you checked the date?

Distinguished Mom: Shit.

Everyone’s Dad: yeah

Aggressive Mom: what am i missing

Distinguished Mom: Have we ever told you about Melida/Daan?

**super secret jedi chat**

Council Queen: what the fuck

Sky High Guy: generally or for something specific?

Luminara Unduli: Today’s not a good day for Obi-Wan.

Luminara Unduli: And Depa just found out why.

Sky High Guy: aight whats up

Ahsoka’s Mom: I totally forgot about that

Quinland Mine: its today??

Quinland Mine: wait which one

Quinland Mine: because let’s be honest there’s a lot of bad dates for obi

Sky High Guy: im very lost

Snip Snap: i am vv worried now

Quinland Mine: alright children let me tell you the story of Melida/Daan

**[ _Quinland Mine_ is typing…]**

**Cool Kids Club**

Sassy Lost Child: so was anybody gonna tell me that my grandmaster/2nd dad was a child soldier

Sassy Lost Child: or was i just supposed to find that out myself

Rexin It: hold up what

Sassy Lost Child: turns out theres a vv good reason that master Kenobi is good at war

5/10: you mean to tell me that hes not just Talented™

Fives But Later: he’s Experienced™

Sassy Lost Child: apparently he just joined a war of children fighting their parents for the sake of peace

Sassy Lost Child: at age 13

Hard Knock Life: commander

Hard Knock Life: were like 12

Hard Knock Life: you joined this war at age 14

Sassy Lost Child: k yeah

Sassy Lost Child: but thats fucked up

Sassy Lost Child: add in the fact that he knew nobody

Sassy Lost Child: and his master jhust

Sassy Lost Child: left him there

James: aight that’s extra Fucked™

Steamed Tubers: General™

Shaved Legs: why

Knitted Mittens: is he okay

Far Gun: please we gotta know

Sassy Lost Child: im

Sassy Lost Child: not sure???

Rexin It: wow none of us are ok

Kix Your Ass: what the fuck is this war

**Commanders, Inc.**

Dog Man: wait.

Dog Man: important question.

Dog Man: is general koon comfy in his mask.

I’m In: why are you awake

Dog Man: why are you.

Dog Man: don’t test me i will call your medics on you.

I’m In: alright chill

I’m In: where is this coming from???

Dog Man: insomnia thoughts.

I’m In: mood

I’m In: ask him??

Dog Man: no he’ll probably say he’s fine even if he’s not.

Dog Man: come on your general is the same.

I’m In: fair

Dog Man: no i need to devise a plan to test it.

I’m In: or ask a Kel Dor??

Dog Man: name one kel dor you know that’s not my general.

I’m In: doesn’t he have a niece??

Dog Man: wait i have a cousin.

I’m In: what

Dog Man: what.

I’m In: I’m just gonna move on

I’m In: yeah just ask her I guess

Dog Man: i’ll do that.

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber-Wielding Collective**

Savage Oppress: i still feel left out

Maul: Don’t worry we’ll get you a lightsaber

Savage Oppress: i still like my spear thing though!

Sith Queen: dont you have a better name for it

Savage Oppress: no

Savage Oppress: dathomir doesnt really value creativity in the men

Sith Queen: k then

Sith Queen: so master explain more abt this kenobi disappointing u thing

Maul: KENOBIIIII

General Grievous: KENOBIIIII

Sith Queen: we get it boys u both have a raging hard on for him move on

Maul: I

General Grievous: auigfhpoafjo

Count Dooku: I expected better of him because I told him that the Sith Master had a large amount of power in the Senate.

Darth Sidious: what

Darth Sidious: did

Darth Sidious: you

**[ _Count Dooku_ has kicked _Darth Sidious_ from _The Non-Jedi Lightsaber-Wielding Collective_ ]**

Sith Queen: aww u cut him off

Count Dooku: _As I was saying_.

Count Dooku: I all but handed him the identity of his greatest enemy on a platter, and what does he say to me?

Count Dooku: “That can’t be right. The Jedi would know!”

Count Dooku: This child.

Sith Queen: that is a massive f

Count Dooku: I do not understand what this means but I’m going to assume it’s a form of agreement.

Savage Oppress: ok boomer

Count Dooku: _What did you just say?_

Sith Queen: he called u a boomer

Sith Queen: u boomer

Count Dooku: _The insolence._

Savage Oppress: deal with it

**[ _Savage Oppress_ has changed _Count Dooku_ ’s name to _Boomer_ ]**

Savage Oppress: boomer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the sudden angst. I don't know where it came from. So I provided some Sith shenanigans at the end to make up for it!
> 
> We'll get back to our regularly scheduled crack in the next update.
> 
> I love you all so immeasurably much!


	7. Guys, Gals, and Nonbinary Pals: Place Your Bets, They're Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool Kids Club
> 
> [Sassy Lost Child has added Spaceman and Commander Cody to Cool Kids Club]
> 
> [Sassy Lost Child has changed Spaceman’s name to Token Heterosexual]
> 
> 5/10: not to be racist but what even are straight people  
> Hard Knock Life: how was that racist  
> Fives But Later: didn’t you hear him say it wasn’t racist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> I'm In/Disaster Gay: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Bacon Man: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku

**Cool Kids Club**

**[ _Sassy Lost Child_ has added _Spaceman_ and _Commander Cody_ to _Cool Kids Club_ ]**

**[ _Sassy Lost Child_ has changed _Spaceman_ ’s name to _Token Heterosexual_ ]**

5/10: not to be racist but what even are straight people

Hard Knock Life: how was that racist

Fives But Later: didn’t you hear him say it wasn’t racist

Hard Knock Life: i

Token Heterosexual: I don’t have to take this shit

**[ _Token Heterosexual_ has changed their name to _Commander Sr_ ]**

**[ _Commander Sr_ has changed _Sassy Lost Child_ ’s name to _General Jr_ ]**

General Jr: i can live with this

Commander Sr: now we match

5/10: aww adorable

General Jr: how dare u call me cute

General Jr: i am a literal carnivore

Kix Your Ass: can confirm

Kix Your Ass: what do you think we do with the amputated limbs

James: I Hate This

Hard Knock Life: i thought we just dumped them into space

Rexin It: asksghgdl

Rexin It: im just imagining a ship passin thru space

Rexin It: ‘whats that up ahead’

Rexin It: ‘an asteroid field’

Rexin It: ‘thats no asteroid field’

Rexin It: its just arms n legs

General Jr: just to make sure yall arent freakin out that was a joke

Fives But Later: we knew

5/10: oh thank fuck

Fives But Later: wait you believed that

5/10: listen

5/10: i am a gullible bitch

5/10: at this point ill believe anything

5/10: togruta dont have nails? Sure

5/10: Sny Snoodles is a lie? Y not

5/10: the chancellor is a sith? who knows bc its not me

Cody: why did nobody tell me you all had pics of the General™ on a motorcycle

Steamed Tubers: shit

Shaved Legs: we

Knitted Mittens: forgot

Far Gun: to

Steamed Tubers: tell

Shaved Legs: him

Knitted Mittens: about

Far Gun: that

Cody: y’all can stop the whole speaking like that thing it ain’t cute

Steamed Tubers: hm

Shaved Legs: mayhaps

Knitted Mittens: we

Far Gun: will

James: anyways

James: what the fuck is with the word kriff

James: bc apparently it’s a swear word

James: but it sounds like it was made for small children to say as a replacement

Hard Knock Life: or dogma

James: or dogma

Tip Tup: actually! The term kriff came from one of those kiddie words – the word “frick” that was used as a milder form of fuck. Somehow the f and k sounds were swapped to make the word kriff.

General Jr: tup in here with the etymology lesson

General Jr: yet another reason y hes my favorite

Tip Tup: 😊

General Jr: look at him hes perfect

Rexin It: it is true

**Commanders, Inc.**

Neon: Hey, quick question.

Neon: Monnk, what’s with the username?

Laundromat: general fisto

Laundromat: wont keep his FUCKING CLOTHES ON

Neon: What

Laundromant: i swear i spend more time picking up HIS CLOTHES than actually doing my job and fighting this FUCIINGS WAR

Neon: Oh.

Lake: i want a theme song

Laundromat: what

Neon: What?

Dog Man: what.

Lake: like when i do things especially cool ones i want to have a theme song play in the background

I’m In: mood

Butter-bly: don’t stop me now

I’m In: Mission Impossible theme

Lake: Cake by the ocean

Laundromat: ponds what the fuck

Lake: i like cake thank you v much

Lake: plus the water theme

Laundromat: #1 cake is a metaphor for sex

Lake: w h a t

Lake: i just like cake

Laundromat: #2 your name is ponds

Laundromat: you dont actually do water things

Laundromat: if anything thatd be my theme song

Laundromat: especially with general fisto being Like That

Lake: let me Have This

Laundromat: no

Laundromat: you get nothing

Verd’ika: whats up danger

Verd’ika: but it just plays everytime gen skywalker enters the room

Verd’ika: he is the danger

Verd’ika: i swear

I’m In: mood

Verd’ika: shut up youre gay for your general and you know it

**[ _Verd’ika_ has changed _I’m In_ ’s name to _Disaster Gay_ ]**

Disaster Gay: I’m

Disaster Gay: he’s still a reckless bitch and you know it

Fox 4 Chancellor: the pokemon theme song

Neon: What are you catching?

Fox 4 Chancellor: criminals, bicth

Lake: someone call thorn fox is running on alcohol and insomnia again

Dog Man: on it.

Bacon Man: alright all these individual songs are good

Bacon Man: but we need a collective vode theme

Lake: i vote fergalicious

Butter-bly: reasoning?

Lake: fergie

Butter-bly: valid

Verd’ika: while i agree completely about fergie being queen

Bacon Man: who wouldn’t

Verd’ika: would you really want that playing while you charge into battle?

Lake: y e s

Dog Man: no.

Lake: g a s p

Bacon Man: what’s your rec wolffe

Dog Man: enter sandman.

Lake: _no_

Dog Man: epic guitar as you fly in.

Dog Man: what could be better.

Neon: Despacito.

Bacon Man: b l o c k e d

Neon: Wait, unblock me.

Bacon Man: unblocked

Neon: Bitch.

Bacon Man: g a s p

Butter-bly: they never prepare you for when the betrayal comes from a vod

Verd’ika: they never do

Disaster Gay: oof

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Sexy Back: I’m borrrreeeedddd

Sexy Back: give me attentioonnnnnn

Aay LMAO: hmm

Sexy Back: AAYLA

Sexy Back: MY PADAWAN

Sexy Back: MY FAVORITE

Sexy Back: please pay attention to meeeee

Aay LMAO: hmm

Aay LMAO: no

Sexy Back: _shot through the heart_

Sexy Back: _and you’re to blame_

Wan Fear: stop being so overdramatic quinlan

Sexy Back: but it’s my one setting!

Luminous: She’s still mad at you for threatening Bly.

Sexy Back: it was only a little bit of threatening!

Aay LMAO: h m m m m

Windu Vista: Vos we’re far too used to these kinds of antics from you to give in

Departed: plus your puppy eyes are shit

Departed: i feel no emotion besides disappointment when i see them

Buffy: a disgrace, they are

Shaak-ing: _buffy has arrived_

Buffy: lurking, I have been

Scared Kitless: quick, operation alpha-delta-niner

Wan Fear: kit

Wan Fear: youre the only one who calls it that

Departed: Operation Bully Buffy is go

Buffy: fear, I feel

Windu Vista: _g o o d_

Windu Vista: this is revenge for years of stress

Windu Vista: _minch_

Luminous: Minch.

Luminous: We have them.

Buffy: have what, you do?

Father Figure: pictures

Shaak-ing: recordings

Windu Vista: stories

Wan Fear: of _b a b y b u f f y_

Buffy: revolted against,, I have been

Buffy: change my name,, I cannot

Wan Fear: thank my commander for that particular issue

Aay LMAO: thank you cody

Scared Kitless: we are sending one copy of one file to one person

Departed: and you wont know what file

Luminous: Or to whom.

Sexy Back: you’ll just have to live in paranoid hell

Father Figure: Because we have it all

Shaak-ing: the baby pictures

Windu Vista: the stories of teenage rebellion

Wan Fear: the recordings of you talking like a REGULAR FUCKING PERSON

Buffy: found out, I have been

Buffy: make my escape, I must

**[ _Buffy_ is offline]**

Windu Vista: GET BACK HERE MINCH

Sexy Back: BUFFY SPOTTED HOVERCHAIRING AWAY AT THE NORTH TOWER

Aay LMAO: HES GOING FOR THE LOWER LEVELS

Windu Vista: NOT ON MY MOTHERFUCKING WATCH

Windu Vista: IM GETTING MY RIGHTFULLY DESERVED VENGEANCE

**[ _Buffy_ is online]**

Buffy: vengeance, a jedi craves not

Windu Vista: TELL THAT TO MY FUCKING LIGHTSABER

**[ _Buffy_ is offline]**

Wan Fear: GO MACE GO

Scared Kitless: WE’RE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

Luminous: I just heard a distant scream.

Departed: mace caught up

Sexy Back: damn they’re really going at it

Sexy Back: I think mace is just permanently screaming

Shaak-ing: sounds about right

Sexy Back: THE CHAIR IS DOWN

Sexy Back: I was surprised it had a nitro boost button

Father Figure: never underestimate minch

Wan Fear: im so ready for the play-by-play

Wan Fear: THIS IS KARMA FOR YEARS OF SWAMP GRASS STEW AT LINEAGE DINNERS

Scared Kitless: damn obi

Aay LMAO: where even are you master

Sexy Back: they’re at the top of the temple steps

Sexy Back: I’m watching from behind a shrub

Sexy Back: it’s very conveniently placed

Scared Kitless: as all shrubs should be

Wan Fear: i swear buffy was the one to put them there just so he could walk out of them dramatically

Sexy Back: OH SHIT MINCH BROUGHT OUT THE GIMER STICK

Sexy Back: THE TURNS HAVE TABLED

Sexy Back: MACE HES COMIN FOR YOUR KNEECAPS

Departed: how are you typing this so well while watching the fight

Sexy Back: ASK AAYLA IM BUSY

Aay LMAO: both for undercover missions and just to secretly text when he’s called in for a council meeting

Wan Fear: mood

Sexy Back: SHIT IVE BEEN SPOTTED

Scared Kitless: RUN QUINLAN RUN

Sexy Back: IM GOIONBJGA;

Sexy Back: AITROGRK;LJSN

Aay LMAO: goodbye master

Aay LMAO: you will be sorely missed

Departed: alright ive got popcorn and binoculars

Departed: we’re watching this shit from the council room

Wan Fear: already on my way

**Commanders, Inc.**

Alpha Male: You all are so dumb.

Alpha Male: How am I related to you?

Alpha Male: I thought I was supposed to be the prototype.

Alpha Male: Fucking _Vode An._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this descended into extra crack to make up for the previous angst, but once again I have no regrets. 
> 
> In other news, within less than 24 hours of me creating this, my brother decides to share the wonderful news of my fanfic creation with the parents! 
> 
> So, um, oof.


	8. The Merits of Unconventional Fights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt for the first chat provided by AnimalGirl05 in the comments! Thank you for the wonderful idea!
> 
> super secret jedi chat
> 
> Turn Off-ee: So um  
> Turn Off-ee: was I hallucinating again or did I just witness Masters Windu and Yoda fighting at the Temple entrance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Bacon Man/Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku

**super secret jedi chat**

Turn Off-ee: So um

Turn Off-ee: was I hallucinating again or did I just witness Masters Windu and Yoda fighting at the Temple entrance?

Snip Snap: no yeah i saw it too

Snip Snap: master what was that

Sky High Guy: you speak to me as if I have any insight into the minds of the council

Sky High Guy: I have no fucking clue snips

Senate Queen: Wait what’s this?

Turn Off-ee: basically Master Windu and Master Yoda were fighting each other

Turn Off-ee: sabers and all

Turn Off-ee: at the top of the stairs to the Temple

Turn Off-ee: they were really going at it

Turn Off-ee: and that’s literally everything I have I don’t know what was going on there

Snip Snap: i think master Vos was caught in the crossfire for a hot second too

Snip Snap: but were all lost

Senate Queen: ah

**[ _Blue Raspberry_ is online]**

Blue Raspberry: council business don’t worry about it

Sky High Guy: but you’re not on the council???

Senate Queen: Now I’m more confused

Turn Off-ee: what do you know

Blue Raspberry: umm

Blue Raspberry: _@Council Queen_

**[ _Council Queen_ is online]**

Council Queen: council business don’t worry about it

Snip Snap: im worrying more

Council Queen: don’t

Snip Snap: suddenly my anxiety is gone

Turn Off-ee: _woooooowww_

**[ _Luminara Unduli_ is online]**

Luminara Unduli: Wait, Padawan, what’s this about hallucinating _again_?

Turn Off-ee: shit

Turn Off-ee: Ahsoka I leave everything to you dontforgetmeeeeeeeeiktha

Snip Snap: rip

Sky High Guy: so imma need some better explanation than just mysterious council business

**[ _Ahsoka’s Dad_ , _OB-2_ , _Quinland Mine_ , _Ahsoka’s Mom_ , and _Kit Fisto_ are online]**

Blue Raspberry: well you see

Blue Raspberry: guys explain why masters windu and yoda were fighting

Quinland Mine: like they aren’t still

Blue Raspberry: not

Blue Raspberry: helping

Kit Fisto: you see what happened was Master Windu found out that Master Yoda is the reason he doesn’t have hair because Master Yoda makes sure to regularly switch his body wash with Space Nair and he’s not naturally bald

OB-2: mace was going after yoda because yoda insulted his cooking job of a traditional haruun kal dish except mace is renowned for his skill in it and yoda just has shit taste because he only likes his swamp soup and cooking skills are a big deal on haruun kal so the proper repayment for that kind of insult is a duel

Ahsoka’s Mom: They’re fighting over who has the right to make a certain initiate their new padawan

Council Queen: mace is mad because yoda, known 900 year old, called him old

Ahsoka’s Dad: There was a small spat between the two of them over Yoda’s record of tax fraud regarding the Jedi Order that Mace just found out about.

Quinland Mine: mace found out yoda was cheating on him

Council Queen: damn obi youre still stuck on that swamp soup huh

OB-2: after years of being forced to eat it you would be too

OB-2: quinlan

Quinland Mine: what??

Sky High Guy: alright these are all vastly different stories

Sky High Guy: so which is it

OB-2: plo

Council Queen: shaak

Quinland Mine: Obi

Ahsoka’s Dad: Shaak

Ahsoka’s Mom: plo

Kit Fisto: Obi-Wan

Snip Snap: alright im done with this

Snip Snap: imma go make sure barriss isnt dead

**[ _Snip Snap_ is offline]**

Sky High Guy: dammit snips

Sky High Guy: now I am alone in my pursuit of the truth

Sky High Guy: WHICH STORY IS IT

Sky High Guy: WHY WAS THE MOST EPIC LIGHTSABER DUEL IVE EVER SEEN GOING ON

**[several people are typing…]**

**Commanders, Inc.**

Verd’ika: alright kix is yelling at me to smack some sense into my idiot older brother

Verd’ika: which one of you did a stupid thing and got hurt

Dog Man: cody.

Butter-bly: cody

Fox 4 Chancellor: Statistically, Cody.

Disaster Gay: listen guys it’s not my fault

Verd’ika: what happened:

Disaster Gay: the joy was right there in front of me I had no other choice

Laundromat: joy?

Disaster Gay: droid

Disaster Gay: listen I can’t use my hands and this is the only options I’ve got please just ignore my worth of steaks

Disaster Gay: were mistakes

Disaster Gay: Word mistakes

Disaster Gay: Chris I’m tempted to just use my injured hands instead of this stupid machine

Disaster Gay: Craft

Disaster Gay: Chris

Disaster Gay: Great now it won’t even tape my groans appointment

Disaster Gay: I give up

Bacon Man: i was just sitting back to watch this happen and im so glad i did

Bacon Man: w o r t h o f s t e a k s

**[ _Bacon Man_ changed their name to _Worth of Steaks_ ]**

Verd’ika: who is chris????

Dog Man: i think he was going for kriff.

Fox 4 Chancellor: Me writing my meeting with the Chancellor into my calendar: _groans appointment_

Verd’ika: so since cody’s out of commission, apparently, who wants to tell me how he got himself there

Butter-bly: he sucker punched a commando droid

Verd’ika: w h a t

Butter-bly: marshal commander cody of the 212th attack battalion, when in battle, having lost his gun earlier, chose to sucker-punch a metal commando droid

Verd’ika: why is he so stupid

Neon: Blame Wolffe when we were cadets.

Dog Man: fuck off.

Neon: Now that I think about it, our dear Commander Wolffe has had his fair share of unusual encounters with the Separatist droid army.

Dog Man: listen when youve got no other choice and the droid is right in front of you why wouldnt you bite it.

Lake: why would you bite it?????

Disaster Gay: What did it taste like

Dog Man: metal. inferiority. a chipped tooth.

Verd’ika: makes sense

Laundromat: i mean, when you’ve got no other choice, you use what you can

Laundromat: if there’s nothing, you use yourself

Laundromat: i like to drown them

Butter-bly: how???

Laundromat: it’s remarkably similar to how you drown a person

Butter-bly: okayyy,,,

Butter-bly: (i’m feeling fear)

Laundromat: (you should)

Worth of Steaks: ive heard a rumor that our favorite candidate for chancellor once used his own considerable assets against the enemy

Fox 4 Chancellor: I

Fox 4 Chancellor: _Where did you hear that_

Worth of Steaks: Stone is v talkative when hes shitfaced

Lake: are

Lake: are you telling me

Lake: are you telling me that fox killed someone with his titties???

Fox 4 Chancellor: NO!

Worth of Steaks: yes

Fox 4 Chancellor: Listen it was a droid!

Worth of Steaks: and you beheaded it between your pecs

Verd’ika: holy shit

Verd’ika: my new favorite vod

Fox 4 Chancellor: Sjut

Fox 4 Chancellor: Upop!!!1!

Worth of Steaks: never

Worth of Steaks: now this information has been spread to the world!!!

Fox 4 Chancellor: Noooooo

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Wan Fear: so were agreed that we need to hold a funeral for minch’s gimer stick

Departed: if only so he’ll stop with the puppy dog eyes

Buffy: distraught,, i am

Windu Vista: I said I was sorry!

Buffy: not talking to you,, i am

Father Figure: I’ll start planning the wake

**Direct Message to _Bail Organa_**

**[ _Obi-Wan Kenobi_ has sent (1980) files to the chat!]**

Obi-Wan Kenobi: shhhhhhh

Bail Organa: Obi-Wan

Bail Organa: Why did you send me a terabyte of data containing only Yoda as a child?

_read at 5: 16 pm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I've been taking time to work on the bare bones of some semblance of plot to this silly chatfic. I never expected to get the reception that I've had! Thank all of you so much!
> 
> As you can see, I have used a prompt from a reader. If you want to send in prompts for this fic, you can do so in the comments or on my tumblr, malfunctioningmitochondria. 
> 
> I adore each and every one of you! Here's to more fun times ahead!


	9. The Mushy Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool Kids Club
> 
> Shaved Legs: so we may have a problem  
> Steamed Tubers: how many  
> Shaved Legs: what  
> Steamed Tubers: how many children did you abduct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Aay LMAO/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Rexin It/Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon: Neyo  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku

**Cool Kids Club**

Shaved Legs: so we may have a problem

Steamed Tubers: how many

Shaved Legs: what

Steamed Tubers: how many children did you abduct

Shaved Legs: i didn’t abduct them!

Shaved Legs: i just may have

Shaved Legs: accidentally adopted children who didn’t need adopting

Rexin It: you didn’t answer the question

James: children implies more than one child

Shaved Legs: that is the definition of child, yes

Stress Ulcer: how many more than one child

Shaved Legs: um

Far Gun: the commander asked you a question

Commander Sr: I will call obi-wan

Shaved Legs: oh god please don’t call the General™

Kix Your Ass: then tell us how many CHILDREN are aboard an active WAR VESSEL in CONTESTED SPACE

Shaved Legs: 6?

Stress Ulcer: you brought HALF A DOZEN CADET NAT-BORNS ONTO THE NEGOTIATOR??????

Knitted Mittens: add another stress ulcer to the commander’s tally

Kix Your Ass: this isn’t healthy

Kix Your Ass: im comming your medic

Stress Ulcer: no please don’t I have paperwork

General Jr: why are you trying to get into paperwork?

Commander Sr: have you never met obi-wan

Commander Sr: he passed this habit onto poor cody

Rexin It: that’s a lie cody has always been like this

**[ _Stress Ulcer_ has changed _Rexin It_ ’s name to _Snitch_ ]**

Snitch: we been knew cody

Snitch: i aint snitchin

Tip Tup: cody that’s mean >:(

Snitch: see cody

Snitch: im the favorite

Snitch: my son

Tip Tup: ner buir 😊

5/10: really feeling the love here captain

Snitch: shut up di’kut

5/10: w o w

Steamed Tubers: BACK TO THE KIDNAPPED CHILDREN

5/10: oh right

Fives But Later: I forgot about that

Hard Knock Life: what are you doing with them rn?

Far Gun: eating them

Far Gun: tastes better than rations

Shaved Legs: not my kids!

Shaved Legs: you’re not allowed to eat them

Shaved Legs: or else!

Steamed Tubers: or else what

Shaved Legs: or else i’ll be sad ☹

Steamed Tubers: shit well that’s enough deterrent for me

Hard Knock Life: ???

Far Gun: waxer’s puppy eyes are a weapon of mass destruction

Hard Knock Life: worse than the death star?

Commander Sr: what the fuck is a death star

Hard Knock Life: idk it sounds cool

Commander Sr: it’s a stupid name

Commander Sr: whatever it is probably sucks

Commander Sr: I could probably blow it up

General Jr: skyguy

General Jr: respectfully

General Jr: shut the fuck up

Commander Sr: g a s p

Stress Ulcer: how the fuck are we getting the children back to their home planet

Shaved Legs: planets

Stress Ulcer: _excuse me_

Shaved Legs: i may have picked them up from multiple planets

Stress Ulcer:

Shaved Legs: pleasedontkillmetheywerereallycuteandididntseetheirparentssoijustkindatookthem

Stress Ulcer:

Stress Ulcer: Waxer, you’re grounded

Shaved Legs: understandable

Stress Ulcer: I need to get drunk

Kix Your Ass: not with those ulcers bitch

Stress Ulcer: Kix, almighty medic god, please, I need to drink to forget

Kix Your Ass: the almighty medic god has no mercy

**Commanders, Inc.**

Disaster Gay: someone distract me from the problems of my battalion

Laundromat: so why are half the generals hot and the other half radiate parent vibes

Disaster Gay: not what I expected as a distraction but I’ll take it

Laundromat: kit fisto? Hot one, constantly stripping (FIX THAT), flirts with everyone

Laundromat: plo koon? 100% father, adopts everyone, nobody wants to fuck him because it’s like fucking your dad and we don’t like those vibes

Laundromat: the general roster proceeds like that

Lake: there are a few exceptions

Laundromat: yes

Laundromat: pong krell does not pass the vibe check

Lake: true, but that’s not who i was thinking of

Verd’ika: hi

Lake: yeah

Worth of Steaks: skywalker?

Butter-bly: eww who’d want to fuck him

Fox 4 Chancellor: Historically, a literal queen

Laundromat: Senator Amidala is an outlier and should not be counted

Verd’ika: yes

Verd’ika: i dont know what she was thinking

Alpha Male: Alright, here’s the big question for all of you: which general is the hottest?

Neon: Oh fuck.

Neon: You’ve unleashed a monster.

Alpha Male: That was the goal.

Butter-bly: WHAT THE FUCK OBVIOUSLY GENERAL SECURA HAVE YOU SEEN HER SHE’S PERFECT

Disaster Gay: EXCUSE YOU MOTHERFUCKER CLEARLY OBI-WAN IS PEAK HIS HAIR HIS EYES HIS PERSONALITY HIS DRAMA IT’S ALL THE BEST

Lake: General Windu has an eight pack

Laundromat: EVEN THOUGH I HATE THAT HE STRIPS EVERYWHERE WHEN HE DOES HIS BOD IS GORGEOUS WTF

Dog Man: everyone is going to have a different opinion.

Dog Man: let’s put it to a vote.

Dog Man: for the whole vod’e.

Alpha Male: Boys, send in your votes.

Alpha Male: Recruit your men.

Alpha Male: The Jedi General Congeniality Competition has begun.

**super secret jedi chat**

OB-2: alright everyone enough is enough

OB-2: while i enjoy teasing my former padawan as much as anyone else

OB-2: we must also acknowledge that in turn we have to build him up and appreciate him

OB-2: and there hasnt been any of that going on

OB-2: so today is anakin appreciation day

Quinland Mine: what?

OB-2: you heard me

OB-2: compliment my son

Quinland Mine: um

Sky High Guy: you really don’t have to do this master

OB-2: nonsense

OB-2: i should have done this ages ago

Snip Snap: ill go first!!!

Snip Snap: even though you didnt expect or want a padawan at first when you got me you were still really nice to me and accommodated me quickly and you worked really hard to learn everything you needed to to be the best master and even if you arent perfect at it and still make mistakes you ask for help about it when you need to and so i think youre the perfect master for me

OB-2: thank you ahsoka

Sky High Guy: noooooooooooo

Sky High Guy: emotionsssssss

Ahsoka’s Dad: Skywalker, you show a genuine care and consideration for your men that many of us Jedi have begun to take for granted. You get to know them all on a personal level, beyond just their names, showing compassion for each individual because they are that individual. Compassion is in short supply in these times, but I can always be certain that you will care for everyone that you are responsible for, and even many who you aren’t.

Luminara Unduli: You are an incredibly gifted tactician on the field. Where most of the Order was scrabbling to fit into their new roles, you accepted your responsibility and jumped in, saving lives from the very start. You also refuse to sit back and let others risk their lives for you; you ask nothing of anybody else that you would not do yourself, and that is admirable.

Blue Raspberry: you were one of my closest friends while we grew up, and that all started with you being empathetic. while the rest of my crechemates were walking on eggshells around me after that whole disastrous mission with Master Vos, you opened up first about your own experiences, which must have been super hard, and you were empathetic rather than pitying. you would always back off whenever I seriously needed time, but you also pushed me back out of my shell.

Turn Off-ee: Though I don’t know you as well as everyone else here, when we were stationed on Geonosis together, you didn’t discount me because I was younger and a Padawan. Plus, Ahsoka always speaks well of you when we’re together. She’s proud to have you as her Master.

Kit Fisto: you’re not half bad looking

Kit Fisto: and when the situation comes down to the wire, you always put in 110%

Ahsoka’s Mom: we may make fun of you for not knowing what’s going on, but just because you don’t get people as well as others, doesn’t mean you’re not intelligent. you’re incredibly gifted with machines and navigating space. you are by no measure stupid, and you should never think that you are, especially if your lack of understanding comes from not having as much information about the situation as others

Council Queen: you’re not set in your ways or mired in tradition like many jedi who grew up in the order, and i think that’s a huge boon in many ways. you bring fresh perspective and make us reconsider the benefits of our traditions. things that may seem like common sense to you are things the rest of us may have never thought of, and those ideas and thoughts have saved our asses many times

Quinland Mine: as someone who has struggled with the Dark themselves, I know how much strength it takes do deny it. you turn it away, daily, with the strength of your kindness and faith and love.

Sky High Guy: gguuyugss

Sky High Guy: imfgsdgd cryihgdngd

OB-2: its not done yet

Sky High Guy: nooooo i cant take anumorere

Senate Queen: Ani, you saved me the day you first met me, and you’ve saved me many a time since. You have such skill and talent that it boggles the mind, yet to you it’s just normal. I remember the boy who said he wanted to explore all the stars and free the slaves, and even though those seem like insurmountable tasks, you’ve made so much progress already that I have complete faith that you will accomplish it.

OB-2: i half-raised you myself and seeing the man you are today makes all those years of late nights and teenage angst and stress worth it

OB-2: you are an exceptional jedi and i know your mother would be proud of the person you’ve grown into the kind of hero that she saw in you when you were little

OB-2: and i could not be prouder of you my former padawan

Sky High Guy: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

OB-2: We love you, Anakin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I may have been distracted a bit at the start and accidentally mistyped Boil's username as 'Steamed Children' which would have taken that conversation in a whole other direction.   
> I was tired of making fun of Anakin, so have some good vibes instead.   
> Also, dear readers, picture this: warships full of clones singing sea shanties.  
> That is all.  
> Vote for the winner of the Jedi General Congeniality Competition below!


	10. The Results Are In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In part prompted by Hiiiii, so kudos to them for the suggestion!
> 
> Commanders, Inc.
> 
> Alpha Male: And the results are in.
> 
> [Alpha Male has sent (1) picture to the chat!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Gatorade/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon/Traitor: Neyo  
> Gris: Grey  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku

**Commanders, Inc.**

Alpha Male: And the results are in.

**[ _Alpha Male_ has sent (1) picture to the chat!)**

Disaster Gay: HAH

Disaster Gay: THAT’S RIGHT

Disaster Gay: MY GENERAL WINS

Laundromat: mine did well too!

Butter-bly: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH

Butter-bly: how the FUCK did Jedi General AAYLA SECURA not take first place?!?!?!?

Butter-bly: WHO ALLOWED THIS

Alpha Male: You can’t argue with the results from the vod’e.

Worth of Steaks: im surprised general ti did so well???

Verd’ika: im not

Verd’ika: like all the shinies straight off of kamino are half in love with her

Verd’ika: itll change soon to their generals

Verd’ika: but yeah

Dog Man: question.

Dog Man: who the FUCK voted for buir.

Lake: hello?

Lake: fett is super dead??

Disaster Gay: He means his general.

Dog Man: who allowed this.

Dog Man: no.

Dog Man: more important.

Dog Man: _who voted for him_.

Laundromat: oh shit

Worth of Steaks: they’ve angered wolffe

Lake: someone’s about to lose their life

Fox 4 Chancellor: Someone has made the cardinal error of not properly respecting Wolffe’s general.

Lake: okay but explain the results?? like how did General Kenobi pull it off. what’s the appeal.

Fox 4 Chancellor: I’ve done some analysis, and this is what I think is the reason:

Fox 4 Chancellor: While the majority of the Jedi Generals are physically appealing to many sentients, the 2nd and 3rd place winners, Generals Fisto and Secura, share the common trait of having a fit and strong body that they display often, whether with revealing clothing or removing clothing. However, General Kenobi doesn’t share this tendency. In fact, his style tends to the more conservative end. The only clothing that most vod’e have seen him remove is his robe, which he drops magnificently. The mystery of the body that he is hiding, combined with confidence, charisma, and care for his men make him the winner. In this essay I will

 **[ _Fox 4 Chancellor_** **is offline]**

Verd’ika: op where’s the essay

**[ _Fox 4 Chancellor_ is super offline]**

Verd’ika: OP WHERE’S THE ESSAY

**Padawan Appreciation Club**

Aggressive Mom: alright so i know he’s not a jedi but just hear me out

**[ _Aggressive Mom_ has added _Gris_ to the chat]**

Aggressive Mom: he coparents with me

Gris: hi everyone!!!!

Tired Father: hello grey

Distinguished Mom: Hello Commander Grey.

Everyone’s Dad: Hello Commander Grey

Gris: who is everyone????

Tired Father: obi-wan kenobi

Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli

Everyone’s Father: Plo Koon

Gris: aaaaahhh!!!

Gris: that’s like ½ of high command!!!

Tired Father: it’s chill in here

Tired Father: this is just where we gush over padawans

Everyone’s Dad: They just make me so proud!

Tired Father: we know plo

Everyone’s Dad: They’re doing so well!

Distinguished Mom: We know, Plo.

Aggressive Mom: youre here so you can go off with me about caleb

Aggressive Mom: because we need to share how amazing he is

Gris: i love him so much!!!!

Gris: i don’t know what parental care is but i feel it for caleb

Aggressive Mom: mood

Everyone’s Dad: I have found my protégé

Tired Father: plo 2.0

Everyone’s Dad: I will teach you the ways of being a parent

Everyone’s Dad: You will be the father to every padawan and shiny

Everyone’s Dad: Do you understand the task ahead of you?

Gris: yes dad

Everyone’s Dad: Then go, my son

Everyone’s Dad: Your first test is to tell us about your child

**[ _Gris_ is typing…]**

**Cool Kids Club**

Fives But Later: commander i’m so sorry

General Jr: what what happened

Fives But Later: general ti is dead

Hard Knock Life: NO!

5/10: not general ti!!!!

Tip Tup: nooo!!!1!! ☹

General Jr: oh is that all

Knitted Mittens: nooooooooo

5/10: wait what

5/10: commander what

5/10: i would have expected more grief

5/10: are you ok???

General Jr: oh yeah im totally fine

Hard Knock Life: someone get kix!!!

Kix Your Ass: I heard my name

Hard Knock Life: kix the commander isnt coping well with the loss of her sort of mom

Kix Your Ass: oh

Kix Your Ass: so you haven’t heard

Hard Knock Life: no she has!

Hard Knock Life: we told her!

Kix Your Ass: I wasn’t talking about her

Kix Your Ass: Would you like to do the honors, Commander?

General Jr: this is like the 5th time she’s died

General Jr: we bet on how long it’ll take her to get back

General Jr: mine’s on a week

Commander Sr: Master Ti has a habit of seeming to die, then turning back up in a badass manner dragging the body of the baddie of the week

5/10: wtf is this

Fives But Later: but i saw her body??

General Jr: yeah

General Jr: shell be fine

Commander Sr: my money’s on 5 days

James: is this some kind of coping mechanism

Knitted Mittens: im just more worried than before???

Snitch: you all are new

Snitch: this is not the first time this has happened

Snitch: general ti has died before

Snitch: can confirm

5/10: i dont believe this

5/10: this has gotta be a joke or smth

5/10: youre trying to prank us in some weird fucked up way or smth

Fives But Later: but i saw???? her body???

Hard Knock Life: i dont

Hard Knock Life: understanddd?????

Stress Ulcer: You’ve broken the shinies

Snitch: i educated them

Stress Ulcer: No, you fucked up some perfectly good vod’e is what you did

Stress Ulcer: Look at them, they’ve got anxiety

General Jr: guys i promise master ti is going to be fine

General Jr: she’s gonna show up within a month at most dragging grievous’s steaming corpse or smth

Snitch: but i thought she and grievous were a thing

General Jr: no thats just a plain lie we tell the shinies to fuck with em

General Jr: if you want to join in betting on when shell be back lmk

**Commanders, Inc.**

Neon: It was me.

Neon: I was the one who voted for General Koon.

Neon: I wanted to see your reaction.

Dog Man: youd better watch your back.

**[ _Dog Man_ changed _Neon_ ’s name to _Traitor_ ]**

Traitor: Makes sense.

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Scared Kitless: so bets on when shaak gets back?

Gatorade: ahsoka called bookie

Gatorade: send it all to her

Wan Fear: ok but do we also have a book for who she drags in behind her

Father Figure: I’ll let Ahsoka know about opening one for that

Luminous: Good luck to all in their bets!

Windu Vista: you all are going down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who voted!  
> The Shaak bit is in reference to the absurd amount of times she's been killed off, so why not make that intentional!  
> My school year is starting up, but I'm working to keep updating! There will be no hiatus, nothing like that. I'm hoping for at least 2 chapters a week. All of your kudos and comments fuel me! I love you all.


	11. There's a Lot of Shouting and I Apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)
> 
> [Shaak-ing is online]
> 
> Shaak-ing: hi I’m showing up 15 minutes late to the council meeting with space starbucks and bossk’s head  
> Sexy Back: an icon, a queen, my heart is yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Gatorade/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Scared Kitless/Stripper Man: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon/Traitor: Neyo  
> Gris: Grey  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku  
> 0% Metal: Savage Oppress  
> 50% Metal: Maul  
> 90% Metal: General Grievous

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

**[ _Shaak-ing_ is online]**

Shaak-ing: hi I’m showing up 15 minutes late to the council meeting with space starbucks and bossk’s head

Sexy Back: an icon, a queen, my heart is yours

Gatorade: aight who had money on 4 days and bossk

Luminous: I win for Bossk!

Father Figure: I had four days

Departed: how do you always win on her time frame

Father Figure: We just know each other so well

Wan Fear: they have a telepathic bond that they use to aggressively parent and scam people

Departed: wow that makes so much sense

Wan Fear: did none of you know that

Windu Vista: no

Sexy Back: no

Scared Kitless: no

Wan Fear: it was so obvious

Sexy Back: it really wasn’t

Wan Fear: damn i couldve had that in the blackmail pot

Wan Fear: now im just disappointed

Shaak-ing: anyways moving on so why wasn’t I told that I actually did well in the MILF competition

Father Figure: MILF?

Shaak-ing: Master I’d Like to Fuck

Father Figure: ah

Wan Fear: no yeah you got fourth

Shaak-ing: hell yeah

Sexy Back: look at you, Mr. Half The GAR Wants To Fuck Me

Wan Fear: listen

Wan Fear: its not my fault im just so attractive

Scared Kitless: yes it is

Scared Kitless: you flirt with everyone and it only follows that they’d immediately swoon

Wan Fear: look whos talking stripper man

**[ _Departed_ has changed _Scared Kitless_ ’s name to _Stripper Man_ ]**

Stripper Man: I will wear this name with pride

Gatorade: respect the strippers

Sexy Back: mood

Gatorade: don’t insult them by adding kit to their ranks

Gatorade: they work hard in their career

Gatorade: kit just magnetically repels clothing

Stripper Man: tis true

Gatorade: how did i place lower than this hooligan

Sexy Back: Kit how could you

Sexy Back: I’m coming for you

Stripper Man: SHIT

Stripper Man: I DIDN’T CONTROL THE RESULTS I PROMISE

Sexy Back: I WASN’T ACCUSING YOU OF RIGGING IT BUT NOW I’M SUSPICIOUS

Stripper Man: FUUCK

Stripper Man: OBI SAVE ME

Wan Fear: youre on your own kit

Stripper Man: AAAAAAAAAHHHH

**[ _Stripper Man_ is offline]**

Sexy Back: GET BACK HERE

**[ _Sexy Back_ is offline]**

Departed: so whos on damage control duty this week

Windu Vista: well it was Kit but…

Father Figure: I’ll do it

Wan Fear: taking one for the team

Wan Fear: respect to plo

Wan Fear: youre the only one for me

Father Figure: <3

Wan Fear: <3

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Savage Oppress: GUY GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS

Savage Oppress: I FINALLY MADE IT

Savage Oppress: I GOT A LIGHTSABER

Sith Queen: U GO MY MAN

Darth Sidious: why are we celebrating this

Sith Queen: shut up boomer its time to celebrate

Darth Sidious: How did I lose control of this chat so quickly?

Maul: bold of you to assume you had control in the first place

General Grievous: the most control you ever had was in creating the chat

General Grievous: it’s all gone downhill from there

Sith Queen: so i see u guys have made up

Maul: sshhhhh BACK TO SAVAGE

Savage Oppress: IT’S GOT 2 SIDES LIKE MY SPEAR THING BUT IT CUTS THROUGH THINGS WAY BETTER

Maul: THAT’S MY BROTHER

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _Savage Oppress_ ’s name to _Lightsaber Wielder_ ]**

Boomer: We are all lightsaber wielders. That will get repetitive very quickly.

Sith Queen: tru

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _Lightsaber Wielder_ ’s name to _0% Metal_ ]**

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _Maul_ ’s name to _50% Metal_ ]**

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _General Grievous_ ’s name to _90% Metal_ ]**

Sith Queen: u get 10% off ur metal count bc of ur tuberculosis

90% Metal: I

50% Meal: BAHAHAHAH

50% Metal: ARE YOU GETTING FLASHBACKS TO BEING BULLIED BY A CHILD

90% Metal: SHUT UP SHE’S VERY AGGRESSIVE

Sith Queen: and thus ends the brief peacetime

50% Metal: YOURE A LITTLE BITCH

90% Metal: I’M BIGGER THAN YOU

50% Metal: NOT IN DICK SIZE MOTHERFUCKER

0% Metal: don’t neither of you have dicks anymore

0% Metal: thus i have the biggest dick?

Sith Queen: while we all should agree that savage has the biggest dick

Sith Queen: the question is

Sith Queen: who has the biggest dick energy

Boomer: _Children_.

Darth Sidious: who allowed this

Sith Queen: stfu u useless mothball ridden windbags

0% Metal: BURRRRNNNNN

Sith Queen: thank u 4 ur support

Sith Queen: when i inevitably take over

Sith Queen: u get to stay alive

Sith Queen: and possible join my assassin harem

0% Metal: …

0% Metal: no different than dathomir sure why not

Sith Queen: high five

0% Metal: high five

50% Metal: what just happened

90% Metal: I’m not sure

50% Metal: …

90% Metal: …

50% Metal: you wanna go talk shit about kenobi

90% Metal: _I thought you’d never ask_

**Cool Kids Club**

General Jr: ok im bored

General Jr: master ti is back

General Jr: the MILF competition is done

Snitch: it’s called the Jedi General Congeniality Competition

General Jr: space potato space tomato

5/10: those are 2 different things

General Jr: you come here into MY house

General Jr: with your impeccable logic

General Jr: who tf are u

5/10: my,,

5/10: my hearttt

Hard Knock Life: so what should we do instead commander

Hard Knock Life: i mean, we’re kinda stuck on a warship in hyperspace

Fives But Later: what about hide and seek

5/10: nOO

General Jr: great idea!!!

5/10: no commander you dont undertsadn

5/10: echo is undefeated at hide n seek

5/10: well lose him

General Jr: well that just improves the challenge doesnt it

James: ok so who will be seeking

General Jr: skyguy????

Commander Sr: Snips I wanna hide this time

Snitch: ill do it

James: rexx!!!!

James: takin one for the team!!!!!

Tip Tup: youre not gonna just sit in the corner and drink caf this time right???

Snitch: (shit)

Snitch: no tup, i wont

Tip Tup: yaaaayy

Steamed Tubers: you all do that

Shaved Legs: we’re in battle

Knitted Mittens: we’ll be muting you

Far Gun: see you later

**[ _Steamed Tubers_ , _Shaved Legs_ , _Knitted Mittens_ , _Far Gun_ , and _Stress Ulcer_ are offline]**

Kix Your Ass: ok captain start counting

Snitch: im counting to 100

5/10: gogogogogo

Fives But Later: im OUT

General Jr: aaaaaaaahhhh

Commander Sr: AAAAAAAAAAAHH

Tip Tup: good luck everyone!

James: feeling the BIG STRESSS

Kix Your Ass: also remember to turn off your locations dipshits

James: oh shit u rite

5/10: ngl i wouldve forgot that

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: aaaaannd 100

Snitch: watch out motherfuckers im coming for your earlobes

Hard Knock Life: thats,,, not how the line goes,,,

Snitch: too bad

Hard Knock Life: i feel scared

Snitch: _good_

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: i see feet

Tip Tup: oh no!!!

Snitch: whoooo is it

Snitch: AND THAT’S GENERAL SKYWALKER

Commander Sr: SHIT

Snitch: YOU JUST ROLLED UNDER YOUR SHIP

Snitch: THAT’S THE WORST HIDING SPOT

Commander Sr: WELL NONE OF MY DESERT CHILDHOOD HIDING SPOTS WORK HERE

Snitch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S SO MANY BOXES TO GET INTO

Commander Sr: I WOULD JUST BURY MYSELF IN SAND

Snitch: I THOUGHT YOU HATED SAND

Commander Sr: I DO

Commander Sr: BUT I AM ALSO REALLY COMPETETIVE

Commander Sr: DEALING WITH SAND IS WORTH IT FOR THE WIN

Snitch: well you got no win so boohoo cracker

Commander Sr: I,,, what,,,

Snitch: so are you gonna help me find people or go mope somewhere

Commander Sr: I do not,, mope,,

Snitch: I will continue alone then

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: HARDCASE

Hard Knock Life: SIR

Snitch: ARE YOU JUST HIDING UNDER YOUR MATTRESS

Hard Knock Life:

Hard Knock Life: …no?

Snitch: Hardcase you can see your body

Snitch: youre pushing up the mattress

Hard Knock Life: no im not

Snitch: damn i guess youre right

Hard Knock Life: THAT WORKED??

Snitch: NO IT DIDNT GET OUT FROM THERE YOURE CAUGHT

Hard Knock Life: aww

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: aww tup

Tip Tup: nooooooooooooooo

Snitch: tup i found you

Tip Tup: ☹

Snitch: dont give me that look theres no exceptions in hide n seek

Tip Tup: ☹ ☹ ☹

Snitch: nooo youre making me feel guiltyyyy

Kix Your Ass: just suck it up tup

Tip Tup: okayyyyyyy ☹

Tip Tup: i thought the blanket pile was such a good spot ☹

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: jesse

Snitch: jesse i see you

James: oh yeah where am i

James: this could all be a ploy to get me to jump out

Snitch: youre in the vent outside my office

James: damn

Snitch: get outta there

James:

James: rex im stuck

Snitch: goddamn it

Snitch: kix come help

Kix Your Ass: im right here

Snitch: hoLY SHIT

Snitch: how did you get behind me

Kix Your Ass: medic skills

Snitch: fair

Snitch: also found you

Kix Your Ass: not my priority right now

James: kix help

James: my shoulders are too wide

Kix Your Ass: how did you not notice this earlier

James: i was too caught up in hiding!!!

Kix Your Ass: idiot

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: @5/10

5/10: yes sir

Snitch: AH HAH

Snitch: GOT YOU

5/10: what

Snitch: I HEARD THE PING

5/10: FUCK

Snitch: GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE TRASH COMPACTOR

Fives But Later: HE’S IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR

5/10: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

Fives But Later: THE IRONY

5/10: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

Tip Tup: why is everyone shouting

Fives But Later: sorry tup

5/10: sorry tup

Fives But Later: anyways it’s funny because you’re trash

5/10: hey rex why didnt you catch echo hes been texting

Snitch: his comms are on silent

Fives But Later: i’m also just better than you

Snitch: ^^^

**Cool Kids Club**

Snitch: alright its down to echo and ahsoka

Snitch: of whom i have seen nothing

Snitch: its been 4 hours

General Sr: so what

Fives But Later: git gud

Snitch: pleeease

Snitch: its been so long

Fives But Later: you’ve gotta find one of us

Snitch: fiiine

Snitch: but i get to enlist the whole ship

Fives But Later: fine by me

General Jr: go ahead

General Jr: good luck

Fives But Later: you’re gonna need it

**Cool Kids Club**

Fives But Later: i remain unfound

General Jr: same here

Snitch: uuugggghhhh

**Cool Kids Club**

General Jr: still hiiiiddiiiiingggg

Fives But Later: me

Snitch: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Fives But Later: shhh no hints

**Cool Kids Club**

Hard Knock Life: CAPTAAIIIINN

Snitch: ye

Snitch: YEAH?

Hard Knock Life: LOOOOKK

Snitch: OH FUCK

Snitch: YES YES YES YES

Snitch: AHSOKAAAAA

General Jr: yessss??

Snitch: LOOK WHAT I FOUND

**[ _Snitch_ has sent (1) picture to the chat!]**

General Jr: NOOOOOOO

Snitch: HOW DID YOU FIT YOURSELF INSIDE R2

General Jr: togruta dont have bones

God: I DID NOT LIKE HAVING A CHILD INSIDE ME

God: THAT WAS UNPLEASANT

General Jr: yeah but it was great watching them fail to find me

God: THAT IS FAIR

Snitch: ECHO YOU CAN COME OUT NOW

Fives But Later: I Am Here

Snitch: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

Fives But Later: that is my secret to keep

Fives But Later: if i tell you then you’ll know for next time

Snitch: whyyyyyyyyyy are you like thiiiisssss

**Direct Message to _Fives But Later_**

General Jr: ok but where were you actually hiding

Fives But Later: you have to pinky promise not to tell

General Jr: the pinky is extended

Fives But Later: good

Fives But Later: i held myself up

Fives But Later: on the ceiling

Fives But Later: of Admiral Yularen’s cabin

General Jr: what

General Jr: WHAT

Fives But Later: he never once looked directly up above his head

General Jr: HOW DID YOU

General Jr: WHAT THE FUCK

Fives But Later: my core has never been so cramped

General Jr: you are my idol

General Jr: how did you hold out for that long

Fives But Later: let’s just say

Fives But Later: arc training comes in real handy sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How the fuck did I make it past 2k words let's go
> 
> Anyways my English class knows I've written a shit ton of words this summer; little do they know, it is all fanfic. 
> 
> Props if you guys spot my 2 intentional references that I can remember right now. They're both in the hide n' seek portion.
> 
> Once again, I love you all and your support means so much! If you guys want to send in prompts or anything, my tumblr is malfunctioningmitochondria. Or just comment! I'll take whatever <3


	12. Why Do All My Chapters Only Have Arguments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool Kids Club
> 
> James: alright thats it my honor has been challenged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Gatorade/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Stripper Man: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly/Simp: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon/Traitor: Neyo  
> Gris: Grey  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku  
> 0% Metal: Savage Oppress  
> 50% Metal: Maul  
> 90% Metal: General Grievous

**Cool Kids Club**

James: alright thats it my honor has been challenged

James: fives

James: you

James: me

James: pushup competition

James: right now

James: until we cannot do pushups anymore

Hard Knock Life: bro i want in on this

Fives But Later: pleeaaasee don’t make me do this

Fives But Later: i stiiiilll have craammpppsssss

Fives But Later: leave me outttttttt

Kix Your Ass: go back to sleep echo

Fives But Later: my one escape from painnnnnnn

**[ _Fives But Later_ is online]**

5/10: i accept your challenge

James: youre going down bitch

5/10: try me

Far Gun: okay but how do I join in

5/10: idk just have like your commander verify or smth

Far Gun: @ _Stress Ulcer_ DAAAAADD

Stress Ulcer: Whaaat do you want?

Far Gun: can you come verify that I’m doing pushups for this competition

Stress Ulcer: …

Far Gun: you can do your paperwork while you do it

Stress Ulcer: Fine.

Far Gun: I’m in guys!

Hard Knock Life: eyy!!

Far Gun: aight but who’s fact-checking y’all

Tip Tup: i will!!!!

James: yay!! we get tup!!!

5/10: so go til we drop?

James: yep

Hard Knock Life: wait where are y’all

5/10: gym 3

Hard Knock Life: on my way

James: fives

James: once again

James: youre going DOWN

5/10: bet

Hard Knock Life: IM HERE

Tip Tup: ok!!!

Tip Tup: everyone is in position here!!

Stress Ulcer: Longshot is ready

Tip Tup: yay!!

Tip Tup: let’s go!!

**[ _Tip Tup_ has sent (1) video to the chat!]**

Tip Tup: commander play this!!!

Stress Ulcer: This is just a pushup test audio on repeat for ten hours

Tip Tup: yep!!!

Stress Ulcer: Do you think they’ll go for ten hours?

Tip Tup: you never know!!

Tip Tup: ok press play!

Stress Ulcer: play is pressed

Tip Tup: and go!!

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Gatorade: yo wtf even is hair

Sexy Back: what?

Gatorade: like,,

Gatorade: whyyyy

Gatorade: why does it exist

Gatorade: what purpose does it serve

Sexy Back: aayla what

Stripper Man: no let her finish

Wan Fear: im staying out of this

Wan Fear: have fun yall

Shaak-ing: I fundamentally do not understand it

Father Figure: same here

Father Figure: who decided on it

Departed: i

Departed: hello??

Gatorade: like legit most of the council doesnt have hair

Sexy Back: why are we talking about this?

Gatorade: bc this is important

Shaak-ing: ^^^

Father Figure: ^^^

Stripper Man: ^^^

Buffy: ^^^

Shaak-ing: shut up minch you have hair you don’t count

Shaak-ing: you have hair

Stripper Man: ooh shit

Stripper Man: shaak coming for this man’s whole career

Gatorade: shaak for grandmaster confirmed

Buffy: old enough for this position,, you are not

Gatorade: …

Gatorade: plo for grandmaster lets go

Father Figure: I humbly accept this nomination

Buffy: A DEMOCRACY THIS COUNCIL IS NOT

Father Figure: For my first act as Council Grandmaster I will form a wine club for all hairless Jedi

Father Figure: Mace you get to be an honorary member

Father Figure: Your species may not be hairless but you certainly are

Windu Vista: How Dare

Father Figure: My second act is to distribute pamphlets of Buffy Blackmail™ to the general populace to ensure my presidency transitions permanently

Buffy: what

Wan Fear: i can make that happen

Buffy: usurped,, I have been

Windu Vista: Indeed you have

Stripper Man: ok back to the hair thing

Stripper Man: we have received no answers

Gatorade: i mean, we did get a wine club

Stripper Man: yeah but at what cost

Father Figure: Statistically, very little

Stripper Man: oh nice

Shaak-ing: WE NEED ANSWERS

Gatorade: so the plan is

Gatorade: we have our wine club

Gatorade: and for every meeting we kidnap a different person with hair

Gatorade: interrogate them

Gatorade: and see if the different answers we get match up

Father Figure: And then enjoy wine

Shaak-ing: who said we couldn’t have wine w h i l e we interrogate

Stripper Man: excellent plan

Sexy Back: alright that’s it I’m going and changing all my passcodes

Sexy Back: I don’t want to be kidnapped over my hair

Gatorade: im already in your room master

Sexy Back: AAAAAHH

Luminous: I have arrived.

Luminous: Can I get in on the wine?

Shaak-ing: do you have hair?

Luminous:

Luminous: So it was so nice seeing you all but I do have to go urgently.

Windu Vista: I’m standing right in front of you

Luminous: So very urgently.

Windu Vista: You’re just slowly walking off towards your room.

Luminous: So sorry to have to go.

Stripper Man: so does that mean that she does have hair?

Windu Vista: Mirialans aren’t bald

Windu Vista: some of them just choose to wear hair coverings for personal or spiritual reasoning

Gatorade: I always did wonder

Shaak-ing: the more you know

Father Figure: Anyways the first meeting is next week

Stripper Man: don’t forget that you’re a member Mace

Windu Vista: I

Windu Vista: But

Windu Vista: I HAVE HAIR ELSEWHERE ON MY BODY

Stripper Man: if you do we haven’t seen it

Stripper Man: no, you’re a member of the Hair-Free Jedi Wine and Research Committee

Gatorade: grow a pair, not some hair

Shaak-ing: oooh, nice tagline

Gatorade: ty i worked v hard on it

Windu Vista: AAARAHRHJ

Father Figure: Don’t try to pull out your hair! You’re all out! You can’t afford such losses!

Windu Vista: THAT’S IT

**[ _Windu Vista_ is offline]**

Shaak-ing: there’s the distant scream

Father Figure: He really does need a better way to de-stress

Stripper Man: like drinking wine!

Father Figure: Excellent plan, Kit

Father Figure: This group really will be good for him

Sexy Back: I can’t tell if Plo is trolling or not

Father Figure: What ever do you mean, Knight Vos?

Sexy Back: that tells me nothing

**Cool Kids Club**

Tip Tup: how is Longshot doing, Commander??

Stress Ulcer: Still going

Tip Tup: so are the 501 boys!!!

Stress Ulcer: How long has it been?

Tip Tup: 2 hours!

Stress Ulcer: So that means?

Tip Tup: about 6,000 pushups!!!

Stress Ulcer: Good on them

Tip Tup: is this normal for arc training?

Stress Ulcer: Pushups aren’t particularly important in ARC training because they don’t really serve any additional purpose

Stress Ulcer: But there are always going to be vod’e who will have competitions over who can do the most

Tip Tup: so who has the most??

Stress Ulcer: I’ll leave that for you to find out

**Commanders, Inc.**

Butter-bly: YO WHY DOES FELUCIA SUCK ASSSS

Butter-bly: LIKE YEAH I GUESS IT MIGHT BE SEEN AS PRETTY

Butter-bly: LIKE A GOOD PLACCE TO VACATION WITH GEN SECURA

Butter-bly: BUT FOR BATTLE I H A T E IT

**[ _Lake_ has changed _Butter-bly_ ’s name to _Simp_ ]**

Simp: HEY

Disaster Gay: accurate

Verd’ika: bruh geonosis tho

Traitor: We all can agree that Geonosis fucking sucks.

Laundromat: literally nobody is going to contest that point

Laundromat: but mon cala kinda aint too hot

Worth of Steaks: of course it isnt its a water planet

Laundromat: you’re not funny

Laundromat: we have to spend like the ENTIRE TIME in the water and that gets CLAUSTROPHOBIC after like the FIRST 30 MINUTES

Laundromat: ITS ALL WATER

Dog Man: i did not enjoy cato neimoidia when we were stationed there.

Dog Man: weird building styles in the rocks made it hard to fight.

Dog Man: and also neimoidians. enough said.

Lake: we landed on this planet called dagobah once, and like you know how General Kenobi always complains about General Yoda’s swamp stew??

Verd’ika: yeah

Lake: its like a whole planet of that

Verd’ika: ewwww

Lake: and also had a shit ton of things that want to eat you

Neon: I’d like to submit Mygeeto for your consideration.

Neon: It is freezing cold all the time, we got stuck in a stalemate battle, and it went on for unreasonably long.

Verd’ika: now that I think about it Kamino is kind of a hell planet too

Verd’ika: its just 100% constantly stormy ocean planet

Verd’ika: that also has shitty ethics

Fox 4 Chancellor: Coruscant.

Lake: what

Fox 4 Chancellor: So many people, and the lower levels are a mess that the upper levels try their damndest to forget exist, and there’s so much entitlement, and the casual racism towards clones, and really it’s just a lot to deal with all the time.

Laundromat: you good bro?

Fox 4 Chancellor: I’m 65% sure I need therapy but we don’t get that so I just have to deal.

Dog Man: mood.

Disaster Gay: One time we were sent on a mission to Sullust

Disaster Gay: Two words:

Disaster Gay: Volcano

Disaster Gay: Planet

Lake: L

**Cool Kids Club**

Tip Tup: aaaaaand everyone’s out!!

Fives But Later: how does it feel to be as tired as me

Hard Knock Life: everyythingg hurrtssss

James: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

5/10: echo im sorry i ever made fun of your pain

5/10: i understand it now

Fives But Later: yeah now you understand

5/10: i cant feel anything below the neckkkkk

Kix Your Ass: that’s because I gave you pain meds

5/10: shhhhh

Knitted Mittens: what were the final counts?

Stress Ulcer: Tup, would you do the honors?

Tip Tup: in 4th place!!! hardcase!!! with 7,381 pushups in a row!!!

Commander Sr: holy shit

Tip Tup: in 3rd!!!! longshot!!! 7,649 pushups in a row!!!

Snitch: damn it really is down to jesse and fives

Tip Tup: in 2nd!!! fives!!!! 8,251!!!

Tip Tup: and in 1st!!! jesse!!! 8,252!!!

Stress Ulcer: They just kept going for the sake of beating the other

Commander Sr: how are you not all dead

5/10: determination

Fives But Later: you mean stubbornness

5/10: willpower

Fives But Later: bullheadedness

5/10: the spirit of adventure!

Fives But Later: recklessness

5/10: youre being a downer as i bravely type with my poor dead hands

Fives But Later: you can stop at any time

5/10: >:P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's time to have an alien Jedi-centric chapter, so boom! And in regards to the pushup competition, I did check the world record! It's over 10,000 pushups without stopping, but I did lower it to a bit above the previous record because that 10K record was done by a very buff child, so there was less weight for him. Science!  
> Apparently 90% of my content is just people yelling at each other over text. That'll get better soon (I hope)!   
> <3! I love you all so much! Seeing comments and kudos makes my day! I hope everyone is doing well!


	13. So the Plot has Finally Arrived in Its Ass-Kicking Outfit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has created a new chat!]  
> [Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has added CC-1004, CC-1010, CC-1138, CC-2224, CC-3636, CC-5052, CC-6454, CC-8826, CC-10/994, and Commander Monnk to the chat]  
> [Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has named the chat Executive Orders]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Gatorade/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Stripper Man: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly/Simp: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon/Traitor: Neyo  
> Gris/Kiwikiwi: Grey  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku  
> 0% Metal: Savage Oppress  
> 50% Metal: Maul  
> 90% Metal: General Grievous

**[ _Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine_ has created a new chat!]**

**[ _Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine_ has added _CC-1004_ , CC _-1010_ , _CC-1138_ , CC _-2224_ , _CC-3636_ , _CC-5052_ , _CC-6454_ , _CC-8826_ , _CC-10/994_ , and _Commander Monnk_ to the chat]**

**[ _Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine_ has named the chat _Executive Orders_ ]**

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: Wait, why does Commander Monnk not have a numerical designation?

Commander Monnk: i guess i just dodged that part of the clone childhood, sir

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: Hmmm.

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: Anyways, do you all know why I’ve gathered you here today?

CC-1010: No, sir.

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: Well, the first part is because I’ve always wanted to say that.

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: The second part is so that I can say this:

Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine: Execute Order 12!

CC-3636: yes my lord.

 **[ _Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine_** **has changed their name to _Emperor Palpatine_ ]**

Emperor Palpatine: Excellent. All my plans are coming to fruition! Muahahahahaha!

Emperor Palpatine:

Emperor Palpatine: Why is Commander CC-1010 juggling.

Emperor Palpatine: Are you all juggling?

CC-5052: Yes sir

Emperor Palpatine: How are you typing this if you are juggling?

CC-5052: I’m using speech to text while checking one hand it sir

Emperor Palpatine: So that wasn’t right…

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Boomer: Why are all the clones juggling on the battlefield.

Boomer: This is an active warzone.

Sith Queen: same here

90% Metal: I’m seeing it as well

Darth Sidious: I’m working on it

**Executive Orders**

Emperor Palpatine: Alright, um, I guess that was the wrong one.

Emperor Palpatine: Let’s try this one:

Emperor Palpatine: Execute Order 58!

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Sith Queen: now theyre juggling AND doing some weird dance

Darth Sidious: shit

50% Metal: wait what kind of dance

Sith Queen: like theyre bouncing up and down on the ground and extending their limbs

Sith Queen: like they crouch down and curl up then jump up and throw out their arms and legs

Sith Queen: its also going surprisingly quick

Sith Queen: i just tried it and its actually pretty hard

Sith Queen: this is kinda impressive

**Executive Orders:**

Emperor Palpatine: Alright I probably should’ve undone the other order first.

Emperor Palpatine: Rescind Orders 12 and 58!

CC-3636: that was surprisingly good cardio.

Emperor Palpatine: Dammit, I should’ve made a list of these things.

Emperor Palpatine: Why wasn’t I sent a list of these orders?

Emperor Palpatine: Umm, execute Order 119!

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Wan Fear: ok why the FUCK are my men all speaking ONLY IN RYL

Wan Fear: WHY AM I BEING HIT ON IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE BY MY MEN

Departed: I

Departed: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Gatorade: not that I don’t appreciate hearing my mother tongue but what???

Gatorade: im so confused

Windu Vista: is this some kind of practical joke?

Stripper Man: wtf I’m being hit on too???? In a language I don’t speak??

Shaak-ing: @Buffy umm are you experiencing this?

Buffy: seeing this, I am. Hearing it, I am. Believing that I am being hit on, I am not.

Sexy Back: I’m sorry, I think I’m having a stroke because I could have sworn I just read a sentence that implies that Yoda is being hit on by a legion of clone troopers speaking Ryl

Wan Fear: you were not the only one who read thkjahf

Sexy Back: Obi??

Wan Fear: _theyre handsy_

Departed: oh fuck

Sexy Back: Hitting on Obi or Kit or Aayla I can understand. But Yoda???

Windu Vista: From what I can understand, mine are only pledging their lives to protect me

Father Figure: I think Sinker just asked me to walk him down the aisle at his wedding?

Departed: what is happening??

**Executive Orders**

Emperor Palpatine: ABORT ABORT ABORT

Emperor Palpatine: I DO NOT WANT TO BE PROPOSITIONED BY COMMANDER FOX

Emperor Palpatine: RESCIND ORDER 119

Emperor Palpatine: Holy shit I need to bleach my brain

Emperor Palpatine: Come on, what’s the order to kill the jedi?

CC-2224: Kill the Jedi?

Emperor Palpatine: YES

CC-2224: Why would we want to do that?

Emperor Palpatine: NOO

Emperor Palpatine: Fuck it let’s try another

Emperor Palpatine: I’ll have to hit the right one eventually.

Emperor Palpatine: Execute Order 69!

CC-5052: im gonna hit my general with my best shot

Emperor Palpatine: YES!!

**Direct Message to _General Secura <3_**

Simp: I love you and I think you’re really pretty and competent and good at fighting things

General Secura <3: aww bly that’s so sweet!!

General Secura <3: i love you too!! <3 <3 <3

General Secura <3: where is this coming from??

Simp: I also think that you kicking ass on the battlefield is the best thing ever even if you need more armor

General Secura <3: hmmmm ill think about it

**Direct Message to _My Son_**

Kiwikiwi: caleb

My Son: yes commander

Kiwikiwi: you know i see you as my kid, right??

My Son: no??

Kiwikiwi: caleb you are like a son to me

Kiwikiwi: every day as i watch you train and grow i feel so proud of you

Kiwikiwi: you’re doing so well

Kiwikiwi: i know that you’ll be one of the best jedi ever

Kiwikiwi: because you already are

My Son: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa ur making me cryyyyyyyy

Kiwikiwi: do you want a hug?

My Son: yessss

Kiwikiwi: i’m on my way

**Direct Message to _Buir_**

**[ _Dog Man_ has sent (1) video to the chat!]**

Buir: I am laughing so hard right now

Buir: Thank you, Wolffe

**Direct Message to _The General™_**

Stress Ulcer: So um

The General™: yes cody

Stress Ulcer: ithinkyourereallycoolandcompetentandhotandcompassionateandbasicallyihaveahugegaycrushonyousothatswhaticameinheretosay okay bye

**[ _Stress Ulcer_ is offline]**

The General™: cody?

The General™: what?

The General™: no wait come back

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Darth Sidious: Hey quick question for all of you in battle are the clones shooting anywhere besides at you?

90% Metal: no

Boomer: No.

Sith Queen: no??? theyre just missing me but theyre still aiming for me???

Darth Sidious: Ok I’ll be back let me know if they start shooting somewhere else

**Executive Orders**

CC-2224: Well that was a huge weight off my chest

CC-5052: that was nice

Emperor Palpatine: so that didn’t work

Emperor Palpatine: shit ok um

Emperor Palpatine: execute order 93?

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

**[ _Sith Queen_ has sent (2) videos to the chat!]**

Sith Queen: what the everloving fuck is going on

0% Metal: they’re,, singing???

50% Metal: whyyyyyy

Boomer: @Darth Sidious What is going on here?

90% Metal: it all rhymes too

Darth Sidious: dammit

Darth Sidious: I’m working on it

**Executive Orders**

Emperor Palpatine: ok uh rescind orders 69 and 93

Emperor Palpatine: its this one I can feel it

Emperor Palpatine: Execute Order 5!

**[ _CC-1010_ has kicked _Emperor Palpatine_ from _Executive Orders_ ]**

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Darth Sidious: well shit

**Direct Message to _OB-2_**

Dexter Daily: so why are the clone troopers singing

Dexter Daily: and why did a whole squad declare their love for me when I served them nerfburgers?

OB-2: even we dont know

OB-2: everyone is lost

OB-2: im so lost

OB-2: just move on

**Direct Message to _Senator Chuchi_**

Commander Fox: Hello, Senator.

Commander Fox: We have received orders that the Chancellor is indisposed and unfit to give further orders.

Senator Chuchi: Oh that’s terrible!

Commander Fox: Effective immediately, as the Chief of Defense Staff, you are now the Commander in Chief of the Grand Army of the Republic.

Senator Chuchi: Oh my.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy my complete and utter asexual inability to write romance.  
> In regards to the video Wolffe sends Plo, it's just him stoically singing the "You Are My Dad" vine. The language bit I imagine like Buzz Lightyear's Spanish version in Toy Story 3. The dance I describe terribly is that one Russian one that I don't know the name of. IDK, picture them doing the whole Just Dance chore for Ra Ra Rasputin.  
> Anywho, go check out my good friend AggressiveTyper's original soap opera "Rule the School" on here - similar crackhead vibes, but with its own original cast. 10/10 would recommend :)  
> Love you guys! The plot is going to actually progress from here on out, so uh, I don't know, wish me luck?


	14. And Thus Confusion Ensues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)
> 
> Windu Vista: Alright people, what the FUCK was yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB-2/Wan Fear/Tired Father: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Snip Snap/General Jr: Ahsoka Tano  
> Council Queen/Departed/Aggressive Mom: Depa Billaba  
> Sexy Back/Quinland Mine: Quinlan Vos  
> Windu Vista: Mace Windu  
> Gatorade/Blue Raspberry: Aayla Secura  
> Stripper Man: Kit Fisto  
> Father Figure/Everyone's Dad/Ahsoka's Dad: Plo Koon  
> Luminous/Distinguished Mom: Luminara Unduli  
> Verd'ika/Snitch: Rex  
> James: Jesse  
> Hard Knock Life: Hardcase  
> 5/10: Fives  
> Kix Your Ass: Kix  
> Tip Tup: Tup  
> Fives But Later: Echo  
> Commander Sr/Sky High Guy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Senate Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Steamed Tubers: Boil  
> Shaved Legs: Waxer  
> Knitted Mittens: Wooley  
> Far Gun: Longshot  
> Disaster Gay/Stress Ulcer: Cody  
> God: R2-D2  
> Turn Off-ee: Barriss Offee  
> Ahsoka's Mom/Shaak-ing: Shaak Ti  
> Buffy: Yoda  
> Butter-bly/Simp: Bly  
> Dog Man: Wolffe  
> Lake: Ponds  
> Laundromat: Monnk  
> Fox 4 Chancellor: Fox  
> Worth of Steaks: Gree  
> Alpha Male: Alpha-17  
> Neon/Traitor: Neyo  
> Gris/Kiwikiwi: Grey  
> Sith Queen: Asajj Ventress  
> Boomer: Dooku  
> 0% Metal: Savage Oppress  
> 50% Metal/Creepy Crawlie: Maul  
> 90% Metal: General Grievous

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Windu Vista: Alright people, what the FUCK was yesterday

Windu Vista: Does ANYBODY have ANY idea of WHAT WENT ON

Wan Fear: what happened we know

Wan Fear: it is the why that we are unsure of

Sexy Back: None of us will be able to forget what we saw

Sexy Back: I’m shuddering

Shaak-ing: has anybody talked to the clones about what happened

Stripper Man: none of the troopers know what happened

Stripper Man: the closest hint I have is from my commander

Stripper Man: he was the one relaying the orders to the others

Stripper Man: I asked him about what happened

Stripper Man: he just said it was classified

Father Figure: Is that just like a continuation of a prank?

Luminous: What else could it be? Who would classify an operation as ridiculous as what happened?

Departed: for that matter, who would order it in the first place?

Father Figure: That’s another thing

Father Figure: Orders

Windu Vista: explain.

Father Figure: I asked Wolffe what was going on while he was inexplicably juggling

Father Figure: He winced for a few seconds and then said “order 12, sir”

Gatorade: im sus now

Sexy Back: the wince is not a sign of a prank, not if it’s that long

Departed: but why would saying his orders cause pain?

Wan Fear: yet another thing

Wan Fear: order 12

Wan Fear: how many orders are there

Wan Fear: and what do they do

Stripper Man: they seem overall harmless

Sexy Back: we went through multiple ‘orders’ and they were all harmless fun things

Sexy Back: I feel like they were signals about which prank to do to each other

Gatorade: I don’t think they were pranks

Luminous: Then what was it?

Gatorade: I

Gatorade: I don’t know

**Cool Kids Club**

Commander Sr: yo what the FUCK was yesterday guys

General Jr: im so confused

General Jr: why was any of that necessary

Hard Knock Life: look we had our orders

Commander Sr: orders from WHO??

Commander Sr: I didn’t tell you guys to start speaking only Ryl

Commander Sr: Ahsoka please be honest was this you leading this??

General Jr: no!

General Jr: i promise this wasnt me

General Jr: im just as lost as you are

Commander Sr: @Stress Ulcer you’re high ranking you know things what happened yesterday

Stress Ulcer: Sorry that’s classified

Commander Sr: by who???

Stress Ulcer: That’s also classified

Commander Sr: you all were just dicking around whyyy is it worth being classified

Commander Sr:

Commander Sr: don’t tell me its classified

Stress Ulcer: …Sir you’re not going to like what I’m about to say

Commander Sr: fuck you

**Direct Message to _Bail Organa_**

Padme Amidala: So, um.

Padme Amidala: Do you know what was going on with the clones yesterday?

Bail Organa: So I wasn’t just hallucinating.

Padme Amidala: Wait do you hallucinate often?

Bail Organa: I reserve the right not to answer.

Padme Amidala:

Padme Amidala: Okay anyways

Padme Amidala: You apparently did see them.

Padme Amidala: What was going on?

Bail Organa: I have literally no idea.

Bail Organa: I have no idea why trained soldiers would just stop fighting in the middle of battle to juggle.

Padme Amidala: There were some that did that in the middle of battle?

Bail Organa: Yep

Padme Amidala: How widespread was this?

Bail Organa: Some of what I heard said it spanned the whole GAR.

Bail Organa: There was singing, dancing, flirting, and apparently a few confessions of love?

Bail Organa: I have no idea of what kind of operation this is

Padme Amidala: What kind of incompetent officer would order such a joke of an operation?

**The Non-Jedi Lightsaber Wielding Collective**

Darth Sidious: so that didn’t work out

Sith Queen: yeah no shit

50% Metal: I’m working on it he says

50% Metal: It’ll be great he says

50% Metal: Just gimme a sec he says

90% Metal: you just made a buffoon of yourself

50% Metal: who even says buffoon

90% Metal: I do now shut the fuck up we’re roasting sheev

Darth Sidious: we’ll see how much you like being roasted when I boil you from the inside out with lightning

0% Metal: sure thing sheevy boy

Sith Queen: holy fuck

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _Darth Sidious_ ’s name to _Sheevy Boy_ ]**

Sheevy Boy: I hate all of you

Sith Queen: <3

Boomer: You disappoint me.

Sheevy Boy: THANK you

Boomer: I was referring to you.

Boomer: You have made a mockery of the Sith title.

0% Metal: hes not even yelling at me and i still feel ashamed

Boomer: If you want me to criticize you, that can be arranged.

0% Metal: no thank you im all good go be scary at maul instead

Sith Queen: what did maul do

0% Metal: you guys didnt see him with his first set of metal legs

50% Metal: we are not talking about this

90% Metal: Oh yes we are I want to hear more

50% Metal: if you know what’s good for you you’ll shut up right now

0% Metal: basically what it ended up looking like was a whole spider abdomen and legs

0% Metal: there were 4 legs

Sith Queen: compensating for something i see

50% Metal: stfu

Sith Queen: make me bitch

**[ _Sith Queen_ has changed _50% Metal_ ’s name to _Creepy Crawlie_ ]**

0% Metal: hhhhhhhhhhhh

Creepy Crawlie: I feel personally attacked

Sith Queen: probs bc u r being personally attacked

90% Metal: suck it spider boy

0% Metal: you all have no idea just how horrific it was

0% Metal: i have 0 holos but those images are scarred into my memory

Sith Queen: damn i wouldve paid money to see those

Boomer: You are all disgraces.

0% Metal: ☹

**Executive Orders**

**[ _Commander Fox_ has added _Chief of Defense Chuchi_ to the chat]**

Commander Monnk: welcome, sir!

Chief of Defense Chuchi: Hi everyone!

**[ _Chief of Defense Chuchi_ has changed their name to _Senator Chuchi_ ]**

Commander Ponds: @Senator Chuchi can I change my paint color for my whole battalion?

Senator Chuchi: I don’t see why not?

Commander Ponds: cool I want to change it to stygian blue

Commander Gray: that’s a very specific color

Commander Ponds: yeah it doesn’t exist 😊

Commander Bly: ????

Commander Ponds: the color should not exist and yet it somehow does

Commander Cody: Excellent choice

Senator Chuchi: So are we going to discuss the events of yesterday?

Commander Monnk: nah

Commander Fox: No.

Commander Cody: Nope

Commander Wolffe: no.

Senator Chuchi: Okay then.

**Masters Only (Looking at You, Skywalker)**

Stripper Man: so uh

Stripper Man: I mentioned the latest orders from the chancellor to my commander and he just started laughing?

Stripper Man: and then he just went stone faced and said ‘no’

Departed: this shit just keeps getting weirder

Wan Fear: gimme a sec

**[ _Wan Fear_ is offline]**

Shaak-ing: so while he does

Shaak-ing: whatever he does

Shaak-ing: I’ve heard similar things from my men?

Shaak-ing: like they all collectively decided to laugh at him

Gatorade: some of mine were calling him impotent

Windu Vista: As much as I’d like to hear about the sexual struggles of our elected leader

Departed: agreed

Windu Vista: Is this just a continuation of whatever happened yesterday?

**[ _Wan Fear_ is online]**

Departed: obi give us your wisdom

Wan Fear: so i did some investigative journalism

Wan Fear: and it turns out that the collective body of the gar has been informed that the chancellor is incompentent and so senator riyo chuchi of pantora is now the commander in chief of the gar

Windu Vista: Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's your reaction chapter!   
> Today's random story: in gov class we had to write fake breakup letters and I ended up reading mine aloud to the class about how I was leaving a fictional man to become a lesbian because he was weak and wasn't satisfying me while also insinuating that I was providing for him financially and that I didn't respect him because I typed it in comic sans. I felt like I had given a masterclass in passive-aggression while also freaking out about, you know, saying gay shit to said class. So yeah! Good shit.  
> Anyways in other news I'm gonna promote my guy AggressiveTyper's soap opera again because it is worth. the. read. I'll provide a link for you this time: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26456773 
> 
> Love you all! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I have fallen so much in love with Star Wars chatfics that I decided to toss my hat into the ring. 
> 
> Do I have skill or experience? No. Yet here I am!
> 
> Also not gonna lie my Windu nickname was inspired by Allise's, so I'm giving credit where credit is due.  
> I have no idea where this is going, but I was randomly inspired so I'm going for it.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Group Of Star Wars Group Chats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27132157) by [Clone_of_Baby_Yoda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clone_of_Baby_Yoda/pseuds/Clone_of_Baby_Yoda), [Commander_5279_Morai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Commander_5279_Morai/pseuds/Commander_5279_Morai)
  * [Chaotic Star Wars Groupchats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29731467) by [Ravenclaw_Peredhel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenclaw_Peredhel/pseuds/Ravenclaw_Peredhel)




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